The Lame One

                              

I've been longing to write again. Wondering when I'd be ready. My heart has been the messiest place it has ever been. I've written it all down in journals. The whole mess. Maybe someday the extended version will be made into something that can be shared with others. Today, I feel drawn to share just a piece.

Recently, I was with the Lord, desiring help with the mess. This is something I've practiced once or twice a day for over a year. This time, the image of Jesus healing the lame came to mind. My mind leaped to an insight from years ago that explained why there are so many healings of the blind in the New Testament. I have been that blind person. We are all blind. Blind about God. Blind about me. Blind about how to be a person of love.  It's become such an essential part of my relationship with God to be given sight. I was blind, but now I see is a remarkable experience every time. Sometimes it's a get-up-and-dance moment. Other times it feels more like, I really needed that, thank you. A much quieter moment. Of late, the quieter version feels more familiar.

Next, my attention turned to how many lame people Jesus healed. Then, like a ton of bricks, I'm the lame one. I've been in a horrible "accident" so to speak, and I've woken up lame, crippled by life circumstances. It was a relief to have a brief moment of understanding, a part of the mess has been an extended time period marked by confusion and growing anxiety. This is who I am. I've had my legs taken out from under me, and I don't know how or if my legs will recover.  On the surface, it sounds awful to see that. But the strange thing about truth is that it brings relief. I needed a name, a visual for what I've been experiencing. This is why I feel lost, shocked, scared. It's why I move into confusion and anxiety so easily.

A flash of clarity, this is who I am. This is who I need Jesus to be for me.  The one who heals lame people. I felt like Jesus was meeting me in my brokenness and reminding me He has revealed Himself capable in this place before. Do I believe Jesus wants to be that for me now? Can I believe?

The truth is, walking with Dave to his death for two years and facing the additional overwhelm of treatment for my cancer, along with other life experiences of pain and loss, were trouncing my capacity for faith, for trust. Underneath and unnamed for a good while, I was living with these questions. Do you love me? Are you enough for what you allow? Will I ever be ok again? 

At times, evidence that could give me access to faith felt muted, unsatisfactory, and sometimes completely inaccessible. I'm learning that my response is all so very human. 

Previously, I wasn't willing to be vulnerable amid the mess. I've written these blogs when I'm all the way through, back inside a tidy room with pictures that memorialize the journey. This is not that blog. I'm still right here in the mess.

Jesus and other people I trust say this will not last forever.  

To be continued...

The Artist Way

                                                                                Today's writing spot

On a walk in August, I heard an instruction from God. It was clear and short. Take The Artist Way down off the bookshelf. I don’t get that kind of communication from God often. But when it comes out of the blue, I trust it. Or, at least I did that day. I pulled the book down when I got back and started reading it. My first time with this book was seven years ago. As soon as I started reading, I remembered why I loved it so much. It’s a book that guides the reader through a process that helps you figure out what is limiting you or leaving you stuck creatively. All those years ago, I dabbled in the process. I wasn’t ready. The book went back on the shelf. 

I sensed I was ready this time. There was a strong invitation from the Lord. So I easily made a promise to faithfully do the process. I had one misgiving. I did not want to do it alone. I do not have the emotional energy to be alone in it right now. I asked God for people to do it with. I started brainstorming who I could mention it to, but quickly gave up when an awful dread swept over me. I didn’t want to accidentally become the leader of something. I didn’t have it in me. 

The next morning, I prayed about it all again. When I finished praying, I picked up my phone, and seconds later, the book's cover was in my Instagram feed. What?! I looked again. It was an ad.  It was from someone I’d never heard of before. She was starting a brand-new online cohort to lead people through the book in the second half of September. It was free. I almost threw down my phone in a "What is happening to me right now?" kind of way. I chatted with Dave. I read through her website. I  listened to a couple of her podcasts and enthusiastically signed up. I did the first four weeks on my own and restarted with the group in September. 

But wait, that’s not all!  A friend I hadn’t interacted with for years reached out two months before. When I told her what was going on, she decided to sign up and do it with me. Wow. I was amazed and grateful. In a season where my heart is not getting what it longs for on the “big things,” this chain of events was remarkable and encouraging. 

Here's an overview of The Artist Way process. There are five components: I write a stream-of-thought piece for three full pages every morning. I go on an artist date once a week to do something I enjoy. I read a chapter and do some exercises. When choosing from the exercises, I do at least one I love and one I don’t. I attend the weekly cohort meeting and spend 30 minutes talking with my friend afterward.  It takes around 12 hours a week.

When this leg of my journey is in the rearview mirror, my hunch is that the timing of this cohort will be recognized as brilliant, maybe even pivotal.  It’s given me a time and a place to document the terrain of my soul in detail. I’ve written down how God has shown up for me.  I have documented, to the best of my ability, stories of inner healing. It's also given me a place to write down all the new perspectives and longings. There has been a lot going on in this soul. I'm grateful for the support and outlet it provides. I hope this work unsticks me creatively and leads me forward.

I’ve completed five weeks of The Artist Way and have seven more to go. To be continued…

All my love,

Cheri

Questions to ponder

Where are you stuck? What is God putting in your path to help you? Who is God putting in your path? How is God Himself showing up? May we all remember God loves helping His children through what seems impossible. 

Places to explore:

The Artist Way Cohort - offered every fall and spring

Artist Joy Podcast by Cohort Leader Merideth Hite Estevez

My Artist Way companion - Cheryl White

Update on Dave: We did not do the 12th chemo treatment his body had done all it could stand. He will be going through a series of scans and test to decide where we go from here. Pray for rest and restoration from all the damage that chemo has done to his body. From the bottom of our hearts thank you for doing what you can to bear this with us. 

Vows of love

 "Dearly beloved we are gathered together today in the sight of God..." 

When I sat down to write this blog. I didn't have a clue where to begin. As I bowed my head to pray for help the words above flowed. Isn't this the start of a wedding?

I wasn't totally shocked. I've given a lot of thought to wedding vows lately. For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health have come to mind easily. When I realized I couldn't remember the rest of the vow I asked Alexa. Here's what she had to say. (Names inserted by me.)

"In the name of God, I, Cheri, take you, David, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, until parted by death."

I'm grateful for vows, especially ones made before God. I see the power of grace in vows. We can't keep this level of promise without the power of love and grace. The most surprising thing might be when we become people who genuinely want to keep these sacrificial promises. We learn what it means to love and to cherish when we live into all the parts of the vow that comes before those words. Is there anything better than to be loved and to be cherished or to be the one who loves and cherishes? Thoughts like these are an anchor while the storm of uncertainty rages around me.

That brings me to my thoughts about you. I often think of you and pray for you. Many are heartbroken by our circumstances. I know how it feels to be heartbroken over a friend's story. Some of you are confused by what God allows. I know how that feels too. Since March, I have experienced the deepest moments of confusion and disorientation to date. I thought I'd hit some big versions of this already. They were practice rounds by comparison. So I write here to acknowledge what is happening and with the hope, it will be helpful. 

Swirling confusion has made me appreciate vows more than ever. Emerging from a confusing conversation with God,  I began to ponder that Christ's followers are described as the Bride of Christ. God has made vows to us and we have the opportunity to make vows in return. It's the kind of relationship God is wanting to have with us: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we easily live together forever. 

Like the vows from my wedding, I'm learning I don't exactly remember what was promised and what was not. I've had to look those up too. Graciously, miraculously I'm tasting it's possible to become a bride that loves and cherishes even when life isn't going the way she was expecting.  I'm also experiencing how loved and cherished I am regardless of my capacity to see, understand, or trust a relationship that allows circumstances I do not want. "How can this be love?" has probably been the most confusing and painful one of them all. Reading through the book of Job became a satisfying answer to the question. That's probably a blog for another day.

Back to vows. What vows am I willing to take? What will I agree to or accept? What will I forsake? How has the practice of Lent every year prepared me to be a vow taker? Until I reflected on this I wasn't aware that it was the spiritual discipline of vow-taking that I was practicing. Neither did I see the similar impact to how vows lived in marriage create a loving and trustworthy relationship. I'm sure I've heard teaching on this but wasn't able to connect the dots till now. There is nothing like lived experience for dot connecting!

The list of vows I've been willing to make has grown over the years.  I see a cycle emerging. God reveals something new about His commitment to me in an experiential way. I desire to reciprocate and meet both my willingness and my resistance. I keep practicing, succeeding, failing, practicing some more, and after a time of choosing and the miracle of grace, it becomes who I am in the relationship. While never perfect, it does become something I am more often than I'm not. In other words, vows practiced become a way of life.  Living the cycle creates a deepening of loyal love. 

What do these words invite you to? Has love turned you into a vow keeper? 

Dear Lord,

Only you could change confusion and heartbreak into a deeper vow of love and commitment. How you do that amazes me. Bless and keep all the ones that have been so faithful to love and pray for Dave and me. Help them to know their prayers are doing more than they can imagine. Help them to be honest with You as they pray. Help them to receive what they need as they pray for Your Kingdom to come and Your will be done in the lives of all the people they love. May this become a time of deepening faith and vow-making and vow-keeping for them too. 

In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen

To be continued...

                                      photo by Kelly Sikkema

Health update

Dave will attend his 5th day of chemo on Wednesday. They are being aggressive with treatment because "he handles it so well" and because that's what they know to do with Stage IV cancer. We are grateful for God's strength and that his body is responding to the treatment. Time marches on it will tell us the answer to our prayers.

My health has improved. I'm not free of the pain or it's limitations yet.

We continue to marvel over the number of people that mention they are praying for us. You are a part of God's story with us. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you!

Interior journey

So much has happened spiritually and much of it feels beyond words. I'm struggling to know what to write. What would I want you to know?

God is trustworthy.

We live in a broken and dying world. I didn't know how to respect this and not drown in fear.

God is trustworthy.

I didn't realize how much of a plan I had for my life until it was threatened.

God is trustworthy.

My story is being written in a cosmos where beauty, goodness and truth will have the last say.

God is trustworthy.

All people suffer. Disciples learn about suffering that insists we let go of everything that is in the way of faith to receive the most beautiful version of this life.

God is trustworthy.

This amount of suffering creates a breaking that makes new things possible. You can surrender in order to live or refuse in order to die.

God is trustworthy.

Three summers ago, God compelled me to return to a piece of land in the mountains of Colorado that was tied to a piece of my story that created great doubt in who God was willing to be for me. As I sat in the forest and prayed God asked me a tender question. "Can we be done with the doubt?" I was surprised by the perfection of the question. Later by the perfection of being asked that question in that place. It's amazing what it took for that to happen. I knew God was up to something significant. It was exciting. It was overwhelming too. Can you believe what Jesus is willing to orchestrate for us? Jesus lit up the path forward. Follow the question. "Can we be done with the doubt?"

In the last three years, God has been leading me to see and face all my doubts and to realize where they have rooted themselves in my story. These last six months have been an intense exploration of my questions about pain and suffering. Currently, I wonder if there is anything more effective than painful experiences to uproot something that doesn't belong? My recent encounters with God have been marked by His power to conquer and uproot doubt and to melt my heart into complete surrender. I no longer fear that He is unwilling to be for me everything that I need. This has come with great grace and mercy as my degree of rebellion and doubt is more real to me than ever before.  

Somehow it feels important to share these things while I'm still in the middle of something unfinished. Do not be afraid of what I am saying here. We can be tempted to fear what it will take to become faithful people in The Way of Jesus. The irony is I should have been afraid of my doubts because they were destroying me. This believing and trusting is making me alive. Let Him help you believe Him! I wonder what beautiful and good things God will do with all of this? I dare not say. It will be better than I can imagine. To be continued...

God is trustworthy.

Where I did and did not want to go...

(I started this entry on April 20th and I am releasing it today. I needed some time to make sure I was willing to share this publicly.)

Fair warning. I'm not going to work to make this readable. I'm not going to care how many grammar rules I break. I will try to take care of spelling errors. What is in my head right now are random moments and events that feel like they need to be noted.

I'll be shocked if very many hang in there to the end. So don't feel bad if you just can't read through all that I'm about to write.

Context: In January I started having what is called a flare of Interstitial Cystitis. It's painful. The amount of pain varies from day to day and the severity of it ranges from 0 to 8. I never know how little or how much will hit each day. This started on the heels of caring for my Mom and being with her and family through her passing away. There is a connection to stress and what stress does to the body and this condition. Solving it is a mystery. It's often slow and multifaceted.

On the day of my Mom's delayed funeral service in March, Dave came down with a fever. Five days later we were in the ER. The next day he had major surgery which confirmed Stage IV Colon Cancer. 

We have been told that chemo will likely go on for six months and will begin as soon as his body has recovered enough from surgery.

We have been surrounded with love, help, and thousands of prayers. Our family and friends, far and near, have done everything people can do. They would do a lot more if I had stuff for them to do. 

Dave's work colleagues have given him their blessing over and over again to focus on healing and the promise to cover what he can not do. What words honor how big a gift that is to us?

The support is absolutely incredible. We have been showered with generosity.

My interior journey: I am confused, hurting, overwhelmed. I am doing the only thing I know to do which is pray, listen, and share with others when I am able to form words. Sometimes I don't have the emotional energy to form words. At others times I simply can't find them.

The purpose of this blog since its beginning has been to write down the stories of God's involvement in my life. In the years I have been doing this, I was taught that one of the purposes of participating in creativity is to heal and to help others heal too. The possibility of healing through writing is on of the things that drives me to write. My journals contain everything I think, feel, want, let go of and cry over. Once I get a glimpse of something that makes sense, I'm willing to write it down for others. Today I'm writing both things here. 

From early January to Dave's diagnosis I was doing less and less due to my illness. I was researching solutions, trying them out and resting because laying down would help the pain to go away. I lost the ability to go on my daily walk. I lost the ability to do yoga stretching and strengthening. I lost the ability to meet with others for coffee or lunch. I lost the ability to travel. While the world was opening back up I was in a lock down that rivaled March of 2020. I felt like I was losing my life. The longest flare before this one was 4 weeks or so and four years ago. To be marking week 8, 9, 10 was leaving me on the edge of despair or full-on in the pit of it. I kept most of my Spiritual Direction appointments because I did all I could to manage pain to the point that I could sit undistracted for an hour at a time. That usually meant Friday evening and Saturday were a total loss because I needed to recover in bed or on the couch. My vocation felt fragile.  Could I cope with this much uncertainty and pain and still stay present to others? Before all this, I'd say, as long as I can hear people, I will be able to do this to my dying day. Assumptions. I understand more than ever the phrase, if the Lord wills it. We do not know the future. My whole life felt fragile. Would I ever recover?

So you can imagine what happened to my heart when I found out what was going on inside of Dave's body. The threat of losing him, our life together of truly losing my whole life as I have known it was before me. The shock. The fear. The grief. The questions. The confusion. I've readily talked about how disorienting a life of faith in God can be. Disorientation does not even begin to describe the feeling. I needed help finding a way to becoming something less than shattered and oriented again. During a phone call with a friend. one of the visuals God gave was connected to swimming. My friend was talking about clinging to the side of the pool. As I lay in bed that night, I told God that it feels like you forgot that I don't know how to swim and you are inviting me to swim the English Channel and expected to trust that it will all be okay. God, you are asking too much. God, I can't do this. All I'll say now is that the Lord keeps working with my heart and that image. 

I've had so many questions about suffering. I've been doing my best to ask them and listen for perspective that I do not have. Jesus suffering over a will of the Father that he wondered if it could pass. Jesus choosing to suffer. Does Jesus suffer with me, with us now? If victory over death happened at the cross why would Jesus be suffering? What is the now and not yet of all this suffering for Jesus? What was it like for the disciples to suffer in everything that did not make any sense on the Saturday before Resurrection Sunday? 

The Welcome Everything prayer hangs there. Begging me to trust that God does not allow anything but what can be used for good, our salvation, our redemption. That there are things I need to let go of to have the life with God that I desire. God forgive me, I would not have longed for that if I had known this was the road. 

When I am in pain, it is only by the power of resurrection grace that I choose acceptance, surrender, and love. Those moments have happened in long, deep places of prayer. Grace. Only grace upon grace.

I've asked God to help me receive His prayers for us. To receive the prayers of others on our behalf.

I have watched Dave accept, be sobered by and place His hope in God.

I have watched my son grieve, love and accept.

I have watched my friends long for goodness to be restored to our lives through healing and grace. I've seen the sadness and their sense of knowing when they have suffered like this before me. I have watched us all look for and cling to hope together. 

The crazy thing is, I did want to go here. I wanted to be able to trust God with anything. I wanted to be on the road that would lead to transformation. A few times I have had a serious encounter with the words: be careful what you pray for.

I'll keep writing in my journals, at times I'll write here too. I'll keep sharing as I am able. 

I'm praying for a beautiful story of redemption, grace, glory. May it be. It's promised. By the grace of God, this I believe.

Photo Credit: Photo by Artur Stanulevich on Unsplash

Sight - another set of scales removed

Stunning. The clarity was stunning.

The thoughts tumbled at first. The clearest was, "Oh no, these have been my mottos my entire life."

Cheri's Mottos

• Work hard, you'll figure it out. 
• Pretend until you do. 
• Find people you like and like you back. 
• When you get overwhelmed embrace the idol. 
• Feel remorse, apologize
• Repeat

It's shocking to realize how much I have ignored God. Shocking. Pick a story, look at it through this grid. There it is. Oh my.

Meanwhile God...  Look at the list of spiritual practices the Lord has been inviting me to since I was in my mid-thirties.

Sabbath

Love the Lord with all that you are

Humility

Integrity

Gratitude

Abide in the work

Prayer of Examen

Love your enemies

Lent

Fasting from idols

Confession

Worship

The Lord had me circling in and out of all these practices, plus more. His patience and wisdom are breathtaking. He never gives up on revealing Himself and His mottos and right in the midst of all my unbelief and arrogance. Right there while I'm behaving like an enemy, the Lord is helping me to see His ways are better than mine. Grace. Oh, the love and mercy of God.

All of this explains so much. I have lived a life of wrestling with God. I was loyal to the "old man" right alongside a passionate desire to learn the way of the "new man". I have spent my life living at war within. This is why surrender has become a precious word, an increasing reality in the last couple of years.

Where will things go from here? For once I'm not pretending to know. :) May the "with God mottos" be preferred. May recognition of the old ways be easier to see, feel and reject. May I become as welcoming to Jesus as He has been to me.

Oh Lord, what scales do you desire to remove from each of us this Lent? May it be!

Prayer and Rosa Parks

I first want to say, I am grateful for Black History Month. 

I also want to acknowledge the feelings I had when Black History month started. I felt awful.

I feel awful about everything that has happened that's not right. Everything I've ever done. Everything I've witnessed. Everything I've heard about in first-hand stories. In a world that has taught us to identify with success and to fear failure, it's very difficult to fearlessly engage with comprehensive failure. Especially when there is so little vision for what to do now.

What I've been encouraged to do I have attempted. I've listened to gain understanding. I've read books. I've listened to friends. I've grieved. I've wondered what is my part right now. What am I capable of? What do I need help with? Where will that help come from? What do I need to own? How do I do that in a way that's restorative? All questions, I'm glad I have explored. I have felt helped but eventually, I felt more overwhelmed than helped. What do you do when you're doing what is good to do and it just gets worse, more confusing, not better? I paused. I've wondered, am I really going to be one of those people who start out wanting things to change but isn't willing to discover and do what is needed? 

If that wasn't bad enough, I added looking out at the culture. How impossible this seems with people canceling each other or ignoring each other. If I sound like a boiling tea kettle with the whistle going off you'd be hearing me correctly.

But God...

On February 4th, I listened to an App called Lectio 365. This has been a regular prayer practice for me since last fall. The theme this week is "blessed are the peacemakers." On occasion, they recognize a Christ-follower that has embodied the theme. They chose Rosa Parks and  Psalm 62 because they match one another. 

Psalm 62:5-8 (NLT)

Let all that I am wait quietly before God. for my hope is in him. 

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My victory and honor come from God alone.

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in him at all times. 

Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. 

Mrs. Parks had a moment when she knew what to do, in a Christ-like way. She knew what she could do to move all people in their community towards reversing a broken promise. She wanted all citizens to experience living in the land of the free and the home of the brave. She knew what to do and she did it.

Later in the day, my friend Darlene told me about the video link that I had missed by listening to the App. In the text, they had embedded an interview from 1995 where Mrs. Parks shares what happened and why. Why was she willing? What created her willingness? It was humbling and reorienting to realize it was many things over many years. 

While I listened to her patient and clear answers to the questions she was being asked, I was struck by her embodiment of peace and quiet joy. She had done something revolutionary and she carried that with humble strength. The kind that comes from doing something inspired and truly good. I could see in Rosa Parks something that I desired. I don't want to be so rattled by all of this forever.

Next, I could see the guided prayer was pointing me towards trusting God when I'm invited to do something unexpected simply because it's good and just. Do it with humility and with confidence in God. 

The chaos I was feeling around our collective failure started to settle. The invitations became clear. Don't be afraid of the sadness, you know grieving leads to change. The only way out of the sadness is to move through the sadness with other people. There are people who know how to help. Watch and pray for those people. Don't be afraid that you don't know how to participate in bringing justice. God will help you know what to do and say at the right time and place.  Think about all the people who are genuinely longing for this. The Lord must enjoy orchestrating all the good that has come, is coming.

To my friends of all colors that have shared your stories of discrimination and disrespect, I'm sad it has happened to you. I'm sad for what it has done to you. I'm sad people don't easily listen or wonder what it's been like to live in a world that still thinks and acts with disrespect and without trust. If I've been guilty of doing something that caused you to feel unloved, disrespected, or not trusted, please tell me about it so I can apologize and learn to do better. I'm also inspired by your relationships with God, your desire to forgive. 

Isn't it beautiful that God used praying in community and listening to Mrs. Parks to give me words to name what I've been experiencing and the courage to share them? This gives me hope. With love, grace, and seeking the good of all, I have renewed faith we can work through this. Jesus knows the way.

I leave you with the link to Rosa Parks' interview and I encourage you to give Lectio 365 a try if you are looking for a community to pray with.

Reflections on Mother’s Day

What a privilege it is to be a mother. The benefits and joys of motherhood have turned out to be surprising. With awe, I offer a few of those surprises.

I have been granted forgiveness 1,000,000 times or more. I'm amazed that a soul can be that forgiving.

I have watched and enjoyed the slow and daily process of transformation of a child into a man. My faith in the slow process has been tested, mostly due to my limitations of faith. The limits have taken me right to the heart of our Heavenly Father assuring me this is how it works and He can be trusted with what I don't understand.

The acceptance of our differences as parents held together by common and ultimate desires has taught me to see the goodness of difference. It's given me a place to keep choosing to trust differences that intend good.

In recognizing our limitations as guides we've welcomed others brought into our circle of life. Thankfully, for the most part, I've gotten to say thank you and I love you to those people. Your contributions are some of the gifts I hold most dear. It's surprising to realize you're a piece of the puzzle when you've overstated your responsibility in the silent places way too many times.

As  I ponder these things, I'm thankful to our Moms for the ways they instilled faith, hope, and love. Can it accurately be stated how much that matters? I hope you enjoy the blessings of watching faith, hope, and love flow down to the generations after you.

Happy Mother's Day! Raising a glass to the surprising gifts of motherhood and having survived the receiving of them! Cheers!

The word was Joy

For a number of years, I have asked God for a word to pay attention to for the coming year.

Many of us are in the process of discovering that word for 2019.

It occurred to me this morning we don’t often share what God did with our word, say for 2018. 

My word for 2018 was joy.

I was both hopeful and nervous entering into 2018 as we had just made a big move to a far far away land called Wisconsin.

2018 turned out to be a year of hard things that at a few points could only be described as soul-crushing.

The events began in the late winter and the hits kept rolling in through the summer. It was a combination of things: multiple painful and long health challenges; looking for a new community; deep grief over the loss of community; cultural chaos; vocational shifts; seeing my idols with new clarity and deeper remorse; a tragic event in the life of a friend; other things too. It wasn't one thing. It was a combination of things. 

Simply, it was an ongoing invitation to wander in the wilderness and meet God anew.

It’s incredible to notice how God was preparing me before 2018. A few years ago, through my involvement in Life with God, I had discovered that when I get overwhelmed with what’s hard in life I have addictions I use to cope. When I get completely overwhelmed I sit down and shut down.

God was making space to notice the shutting down, to own it and to plead for Him to teach me how to do life differently this time.  This time, I was willing to learn how to do life with God when I felt completely overwhelmed. I was willing to die to the habits of protecting myself and take the Lord’s extended hand. He was very willing to do His part. My head would have told you I expected that. My heart was scared. 

So we were at a new beginning. I felt like a young believer once again.

This part will be the hardest to convey with words. Over the months, something happened in my heart.  God was loving and faithful and revealing His good intentions towards me. I wish I could explain how much more I believe this after slowly moving through 2018. The parts of my heart that were strongly defended against letting him in were slowly cracking and crumbling. He was showing me how to let go. What to let go of and how to embrace Him instead. My heart was becoming available to encounter God in places I had not been willing to trust before. I kept asking God to melt my heart and then I'd have a moment when I'd recognize melted as - less defended, more open and wanting the good of others.

An aspect of God’s faithfulness was His people. Without spending much time glancing over the year, I can count 30 people that had direct involvement in discovering God with me in the midst of these heartbreaks and needs. Some had a daily roll, others weekly and yet others were God appointments. The kind that comes just in time.

Then there were all the hours alone with God, pouring my heart out in journals. I filled at least three journals this year. At some point, the writing decreased and the listening increased. Oh, the things I came to see. The lies. The truth. The way to trust God in specific relationships and circumstances. Jesus knows me. Jesus sees me. Jesus wants to be with me - right here in all this hurt and mess. Jesus wants to teach me how to do this life. My ways are killing me. I might as well try His form of death. What does it mean to die with Christ? This question rumbled inside me.

In the early fall, JOY started to spark. That’s when I remembered the word God gave me in January. Wow. Wow.

Am I tasting resurrection?

Some say that our capacity for joy is equal in measure to our capacity to grieve. I grieved deeply in 2018. My heart was melted and opened up deeply in 2018. My relationship with Jesus grew more loving and trusting no matter the circumstances in 2018. My capacity for JOY is richer and more consistent than I have ever known before. I can say without reservation that every price paid to get here now pales in comparison with the generosity and love of God that I have experienced. I want to tell this story because I want to say one more time that Jesus Christ is everything He claims to be. 

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. Psalm 126:5

What was your word at the beginning of 2018?

What is your story with God and that word? I would love to hear it.

My words for 2019 are "listen" and "cooperate". They make me smile with wonder.

May the words we receive help us to know Jesus more intimately, love him more fully and follow him more closely in 2019. Amen. 

P.S. To all the people who directly cared for my soul in 2018, thank for doing Kingdom work on my behalf. I love you.

Melting heart

You may have noticed that I don't write as often as I used to. A reason for this is the pace of growth seems to have slowed. As evidence,  I believe I have a new record for how long it's taken me to read a book. I'm eighteen months into Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud and I still have 60 plus pages to go. Reading for integration rather than information is slow work.

In the last six months, it feels like I've been playing with a new puzzle. The pieces have come together and I have something new to offer. The latest segment began last spring when I left a women's retreat with two words - melted heart. The speaker had shared a prayer with us that had developed in her life over time. Her prayer, "Lord, I am willing to receive what you give, release what you take, lack what you withhold and do what you require and be who you desire." When we were asked if there were any invitations to us in this prayer, the words - melted heart - appeared.

In early summer, after continuing my lent practice, (reflecting on moments when I had chosen to be judgemental and also considered the Lord's desire to let Him be with me in all things) I started to realize how effective these two practices were in helping me identify hard places in my heart. I began to long for and receive what I needed for melting those places. Two plus two!

In the slowness of summer, I was seeing something new. I started to notice moments when I would self-protect. It was like hard spots of my heart and self-protection were teaming up. As teams do, they had a playbook. I was like an athlete with well-honed skills. Rather than muscle memory, I had heart memory and  I would execute the play without even thinking. Recognizing this was sad and brought up new questions. What will it take to melt this heart of mine? Will I be able to embrace a new way or ask for the help? More than ever before I believed I will not be able to change on my own and change only comes when I choose something or someone new to trust.

I began to pray with a sense of purpose and hope for a melted heart. I longed to have what I needed to avoid self-protecting. What did I need? I needed fear to be replaced with love, trust, and courage. And so the opportunities to develop and practice a new playbook began to appear.

From this vantage point, two opportunities stand out. That is because they were similar to situations from my past. But something was different. I was different. This time around, I was completely filled with freedom and peace as I trusted the Lord. And I really mean the word completely. It was shocking. What a huge contrast with the past. A year ago, in a similar situation, I was completely filled with fear and paralyzed by it. In something altogether different, I was spinning with so much anxious energy that I was left exhausted.

It was like I kept blinking to see if I was awake or dreaming. I kept saying, "I just can't get over how different I am in my response."Those responses were the fruit of newly melted spots. My melted, pliable and trusting heart had capacities to love that were simply impossible before. Growth. Can I get an "Amen"?!

Even as I write a new connection appears, last December I felt compelled to memorize a prayer from Romans, "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him." Can you see it? The Lord has been powerfully answering this prayer. It inspires me to dare to dream these qualities will become hallmarks of my life in more and more circumstances. What an amazing dream?!

Why do I share this? My answer is the twelfth step of the Twelve Confessions. "Having experienced some measure of authentic transformation as a result of surrendering all aspects of myself to power and presence of Christ, I will carry this message to others and continue to practice these principles in all my affairs." May God be seen, recognized and trusted. Amen






Helpful companions:
Unlikely Rebel by Kelli Gotthardt
Apprenticeship with Jesus: Learning to live like the Master by Gary Moon- Twelve Confessions which closely resemble the Twelve Steps from AA- see pg. 41

What God gave me for Easter

Lent

This year for Lent two ways of praying daily emerged. I believe the Lord prompted me to pray, "Judging?" That was shorthand for reviewing the last 24 hours and instead of judging things I had done to instead observe things I had done. It took a week or so for me to feel the impact of this. The first realization was how many negative feelings I still have around choices that I make. Those feelings cause reactions - denial, shame, disappointment. When doing this practice it trained me to observe what I was doing and wonder what I was doing. That simple change gave the Lord an opportunity to be with me at that moment.

When I made that connection, that caused me to laugh out loud. (I love when praying leads to laughing.) That was because at the beginning of Lent the other prayer that formed was Jesus saying: "Let Me be with you". Look at that connection. I was putting off judging myself, which normally causes me to break off from relating with others and instead put on the practice of letting the Lord be with me.

I deeply smiled in the recognition that this was another moment in a long list of moments that demonstrated how well God knows me and knows what I need. He is capable through His loving Spirit to reveal these things to me. My faith was built up in Him once again!

Dear Lord,

Thank you for inviting your people to reflect and pray in preparation for Easter. You were inviting me to let something that brings me death, die. You were giving me a new desire: to simply observe and in those honest observations turn to you in faith, and trust, and hope. May the roots of this new way go way down deep into my life. May I remember that when I say, "Yes" to you that I come alive! It's a moment of embracing the resurrection, of being brought into a Jesus way of life. Forgive me for all the moments when I wonder if you are up to anything good and transformative in my life. Thank you for reminding me this Lent and Easter that you are alive, present and active in my life. In the lives of all.

Hallelujah,

You are Risen! A piece of my soul is risen, indeed!

Spiritual Direction

Have you read or heard talk about the benefits of meeting with a Spiritual Director? Are you wondering if you'd like to experience it? I offer a few questions that may help.

• Are you a leader in ministry? I ask because for as long as I can remember I've had compassion for and desire to be an encouragement to leaders.
• Do you find yourself with more questions than answers about your relationship with the Lord or your vocation? 
• Have you come to value soul care and are looking for a place to honestly explore what is going on in your soul? 

If any of this rings true, I'd love to connect.

Where would we meet?
I meet with people via various video conferencing formats or over the phone. I live 20 minutes north of the Dallas/Ft Worth airport and have space to meet in person if you are within driving distance. Typically, we would meet once a month.

Is there a cost?
Usually, I receive $75.00 per one-hour session.

Additional information
Graduated from Fuller Theological Seminary in 2008 with a Master of Arts in Theology.
Completed the Selah Spiritual Direction training program in 2013.
Supervisor of Spiritual Direction trainees since 2015.

Supervisor of Spiritual Directors since 2018.

I am married to David and we have our son Matt and his lovely bride Jordan. I became a grandmother in 2020. I love developing friendships, reading, and crave time in creation. I enjoy being creative and appreciating the creativity of others.

Next steps if interested in Spiritual Direction
The best way to connect is via email at cheri_hudspith@yahoo.com

This blog site is composed of snapshots of my spiritual journey, you may find it helpful to look around.

If we are not a good fit, but you remain interested in Spiritual Direction, I’d like to help you locate another Director. Check out other directors at www.soulcare.com and www.graftedlife.org

Flourish

Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit. From Jeremiah 17


A small group of people, myself included, are reading through Flourish: Live Loved. Live Fearless. Live Free by Margret Feinburg together. It's a one year journey.



This week I re-read week one and stopped when I came to the verses from Jeremiah.  The phrase "whose confidence is in him" leaped off the page. As I continued to read, a beautiful image of of a flourishing tree appeared. I pondered the words and the image, I was stunned. I think God and I have agreed to something, I want to be a flourishing tree and He likes creating those kinds of trees. (A match made in heaven! 😆) It felt marvelous to agree with God!


My confidence in God is filling me with hope, extraordinary hope. The heat will return. When it does, I want my tap roots to be strong and drawing life from the stream of living water.

What do you want in 2017? What longing lives in your soul? What is it that you and God can wholeheartedly agree on together?

Bless.

Back in my California days, I was sitting and chatting with one of our pastors. It was a conversation where we'd moved out of planning something and into talking about what was really going on in us personally as we were following God. Seemingly out of the blue, she asked me, "What does it mean to bless God?" An answer came in a flash, "I guess it's the opposite of cursing God." As I recall, we both did that "Hmm" thing together. It was impactful to recognize the contrast between blessing and cursing. These ideas have remained with me and have shown up randomly again and again.

Here recently, I've observed we live in a world with a huge range in its capacity to curse God. It goes from very aggressive, even violent curses to passive aggressive side-jabs. People who don't believe in God and don't trust God seem to feel lots of freedom to curse Him. Acknowledging that has left me to wonder what redemptive possibilities there are for those that desire to bless God. Oh! What a great after dinner table question!

This past weekend I experienced a new way this could look. My current pastors decided to do a different kind of service on Sunday, January 1st. It had an intro, a three-part movement, and closing. The movements were each guided by a scripture that was read, a short teaching offered and then an invitation was given for all to participate then and there in a related action.

The third movement was centered around blessing. Eleven or so leaders circled the back perimeter of the room and the people seated were invited to approach those leaders and ask for a blessing. Several types of blessings were offered as options. One of the stated hopes was that the people would feel cared for as they received these blessings directly from Scripture. In addition, there was a desire for people to be inspired to bless others around them in their everyday coming and going lives. In the moments that led up to that portion of the service a deep sense of joy and privilege began to well up in me. That only increased as I offered God's words of blessing and hope to those who came to be blessed. As if all of that wasn't enough, I was deeply touched by one returning to me and offering to pray a blessing over me. Beautiful. Hopeful. Kind. Glorious even.

Since Sunday, I have also reflected on the grief I've felt related to how comfortable the wider culture has become with cursing one another. I don't believe we take our attitudes and words towards one another seriously. I don't think we desire to understand or respect their potential consequences. I don't think we realize how much power lies within the intentions of our words. I believe harsh words can corrupt our own souls and place barriers between us and those we speak of or to. It seems the damage created will require love in order for those barriers to be broken back down.

And then there is the Kingdom of God to ponder. We are created and loved by a blessing God. It's one of the first things that God wanted to reveal about Himself. It's one of the first things He asked us to be with one another. It's a part of His essence to commit to blessing all people and with extraordinary abundance those with faith in Him. I've come to believe that we bless God when we thank Him for blessings received. And this week I've come to believe we bless Him when we freely bless others. I think He actually digs it when we turn out to be like Him. Can you see His face lighting up with joy?!

As I bring all these things together, I've become hopeful that blessing God and blessing others can really stand out and give us a "shot in hell", so to speak, of bolts of glorious light breaking through. I want so badly for the source of blessing to be noticed, wondered about and maybe even recognized.

What if Christians had a reputation for being these crazy generous people that go around blessing others all the time? And God wound up with that reputation too. What if?

In light of all these things, may the Lord bless and keep you in 2017. May He make His face to shine right down on ya. May He be gracious to you and grant you His peace. With love, Cheri

What breaks my heart?

Jesus not being trusted.

God being blamed for things He's not guilty of doing.

The suffering of sweet people around me.

Assumptions that lead to misunderstanding in relationship.

Division.

The beautiful creature we call Chloe pup fading away from life.

My resistance to what is good for my soul.

The last 30 plus days I've been taking note of the things that break my heart. I know what you might be thinking. Since I can hear one of my friends in his powerful voice saying, "WHY would you do that?!?!"

The simple answer is because that's what God did. I believe it's one of the reasons Good Friday happened. God's heart literally broke. I believe that part of the promise I made when I agreed to be follower of Jesus is that I would allow my heart to break too. Those things I listed above, they cause me to want things to be different. A broken heart always wants that. I want love to overcome them and write a different ending then I expect. In a way, I want death to lose and the grave to be empty for those things too.

I want Resurrection Sunday. I believe in Resurrection Sunday. I trust in the reality of Resurrection Sunday...broken hearts being made new.

Who's with me?

I'm reading a book about mentoring called Organic Mentoring: A Mentor's Guide to the Next Generation Women. It’s co-written by Sue Edwards and Barbara Neumann.  One of its main objectives is to help the different generations understand how different they are from one another and instead of resisting that to settle into it. In other writings, I’ve heard this described as the “third way”. I’ve adopted that language. The “third way” is a process of observing and noticing the tensions revealed in two different ways and then looking for a third way or a place of common ground. Ideally both perspectives adapting to the other because of shared values and shared love for one another.

Being in this conversation has made me aware of a few things and I’ll share couple of them. I don’t know of a subtle way to say this, so here it goes. Older women, please stop apologizing for aging. Please stop apologizing for things like knowing songs from many different decades.  Why do we care if we “date ourselves” in a conversation? I’d love for us to collectively reach a place where we see the history of redemption in our stories and get excited about sharing that with others. What if we really believed our journeys are a gift? We have more to draw on than those younger than us.  Selfishly, I’d like to live in a community where the people ahead of me are learning how to grieve the losses that come as we age, but also celebrate the gifts that can be known at no other stage in our lives. At 48, with 50 around the corner and other numbers just past that (Lord willing), I don’t want to live owning my age alone. I want people on the ride with me.

The other thing I want to say is how much I love millennials. Paying attention to what matters to them and why has been a fabulous corrective in my life. I’ve been curious for many years about the pendulum swings that are so evident in human history. Why does that happen? One observation has to do with our strengths eventually becoming a weakness. For instance a strong identity as an individual has it’s benefits. But this identity left us weak in the area of committing to community over our own agendas. We’re blind to our own weaknesses. The next generation isn’t so blind to the weaknesses of the one before it. They have the energy and desire to make changes so the pendulum moves.  Thank God!

If you want to understand yourself and other generations better there’s lots of good information out there. It’s truly fascinating to pay attention to. My prayer is that we will learn from one another. I hope we will pursue loving one another well and that the Spirit of Christ will be our guide and good teacher in the midst of our wonderfully varied stages of life and perspectives.

Few words...

My words are shrinking.

The things that seem important to say are smaller.

I love words

    their potential 

    their abilities 

    their short comings

They seem scattered about these days and a little hard to find. This often feels strange. Is this a season...a new normal?

There are times I hope they are just inside me getting sorted through and sorted out. And I try to take note when they appear in meaningful phrases.

Will they increase? Will they ever want to tumble out? Are they waiting to be pursued?

These are the question that live inside me.

The State of the (developing) Union

Have you ever taken your journal in January and written a personal version of the “State of the Union”?

With that context in mind, I began with these questions.

Where have we been God? Where are we going? What are the hurdles? What’s the propellant?

I looked at these questions with God in January. I thought through them in light of my various relationships… spouse, son, friends, co-workers, leaders, fellow volunteers and those I minister to.

I also felt prompted to consider these questions with projects in mind.

Things Noticed

I’ve noticed that I’m incredibly grateful for where I’ve been. I recognize the volume of God’s grace that has been poured down on my life and the lives of those near me.

Give thanks to LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

I’ve noticed, in some situations, there is a sense of predictability and feelings of security as I look to the horizon. In other places, I’m walking by faith into the unknown with a foggy landscape laid out in front of me.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

By faith, I believe that God has asked me to focus on the word “surrender” in 2015. Oh my! The hurdles that go with that word! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or both when that word came into focus. There is only One reason for my willingness to give that word space or time in my life.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

What propels me forward? Christ is making His home in my heart as I’m trusting in Him. My roots have been going down deeper into His love. These words from Ephesians were words I meditated on at great length in 2014 and in various circumstances. They are precious and powerful words because they witness to great truth. Living into that in 2014 has a lot to do with the level of openness I feel about the word surrender in 2015. One thing leads to another thing which leads to the next thing. He’s so smart! He’s so good! He’s so faithful!

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

Dear Lord,

There are places that still resist you. I hope when I look back on 2015, I can see how you helped my mind, heart, body more fully surrender to you and your love for me. And may You grace me to walk well alongside others desiring the same. Amen.

(Orginally posted on a blog for Grafted Life Ministries at www.ecswisdom.org)

Sometimes

Sometimes peace flows like a river.

Sometimes he drops in one tiny sprinkle at a time.

Sometimes he comes in from left field.

Sometimes he wanders just beyond my grasp.

Sometimes he escapes with no scent of the current location.

Sometimes light and flighty

Sometimes deep.

What choice made Him flee?

What invites His return?

Will I notice His presence?

Will I be thankful?
Will I speak of it?

“Because of God’s tender mercy,
the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” 

Dr. Luke – first century (NLT)

Choosing Peace

Colossians 1:15-23 (NLT)

Christ Is Supreme

¹⁵ Christ is the visible image of the invisible God.
    He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation,^[e]
16 for through him God created everything
    in the heavenly realms and on earth.
He made the things we can see
    and the things we can’t see—
such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world.
    Everything was created through him and for him.
¹⁷ He existed before anything else,
    and he holds all creation together.
¹⁸ Christ is also the head of the church,
    which is his body.
He is the beginning,
    supreme over all who rise from the dead.^[f]
    So he is first in everything.
¹⁹ For God in all his fullness
    was pleased to live in Christ,
²⁰ and through him God reconciled
    everything to himself.
He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth
    by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.

²¹ This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. ²² Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.

²³ But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. The Good News has been preached all over the world, and I, Paul, have been appointed as God’s servant to proclaim it.

In December I was able to see an area of my life where I make war with God, not peace. I thanked Him for helping me see it and I asked God to help me understand why I make that choice. I asked God to help me to surrender to His love and rightful place of supremacy in my life.

This is one of the ways I have noticed God helping me. I increasingly crave including God throughout my day. I've long desired to include Him in my evenings. I'm a morning person so this has not come naturally or easily to me. I'm learning that evening conversations with God can be different from morning conversations. Many believers throughout the centuries have discovered this and have written about it. I'm grateful for their insights. The Lord has brought something that will be helpful to me this year. It is a book called A Guide to Prayer for All Who Walk with God by  Job, Shawchuck and Mogabgab. I have both a paper copy and  an electronic copy and therefore always available to me no matter the time of day. 

It was in reading that book this week that I discovered the verses above. I'm grateful for how perfectly this passage speaks into my realization that I don't want to be a war with God. In Christ that is possible. Isn't that amazing?! My soul is encouraged by remembering this truth. Being at war with God is a one sided choice. He is not at war with me.

In this new year, how is God leading you? What is He  making you aware of? How is He providing for your developing relationship with Him? May we all have responsive hearts and minds.