Is God Sovereign?
I stopped writing for a while. It wasn't because I lacked time to write. I found myself in a bit of a mess. I couldn't put the pieces together enough to write about them. I couldn't use this format to express what was being churned or discovered. If I had, I think there would have been one sentence entries.
I'm confused.
I don't understand pain and suffering.
It really ticks me off that the world is so broken and there are so many consequences to that.
Someone might take my words and use them against me.
I don't want to be ticked off.
I don't want to spiral into despair.
I believe but...
I have been held during this by my relationships with others who have faith in God.
I've shared the sorrow that has come.
I've shared the ways out of the hardest parts that God has provided.
I listened to people from all over the world sing praises to God.
I listened to the stories of others as their faith has been deepening and found hope.
I reflected on Scripture and noticed my thoughts and feelings and turned them into prayers.
Last week the Lord showed me something about the last four months or so. He's used this time to help me experience something that I have believed. I have believed that pain and suffering makes no sense. None of the experiences of it being necessary in my life for growth and understanding helped me with this belief.
In my Life with God prayer project last week, I was invited to ponder the question. Do you need to grow in your ability to identify with God? What does it mean that I receive my identity through God in Christ?
The experiences of the last four months began to come into focus when this thought came. You have not been able to see yourself in relationship to my identity as Sovereign in a particular way. You have actively resisted accepting pain and suffering as a part of My plan. This resistance is hindering our relationship. This means part of our relationship is not based in what is real. I've allowed you and you with others to face your beliefs about pain and suffering. There is a part of you that has not known how to trust Me or accept this.
My response. Oh my gosh! This is so incredibly true about me. Then one event, one conversation, one phrase after another, that has been significant and related to this, came to mind. Grace. God's amazing grace was so evident as well. He's showing me where our relationship struggles because of my struggle to have faith in His Sovereignty over all of life.
So much relief entered in to my heart. Blessed relief. There has been an undertow of angst in my life over this that has simply disappeared for now. I am walking in a place of peace that I have not known before in this area of my life with God. Do I understand it? No. It is a posture of faith in large measure. I lacked understanding. The posture of my heart was to demand understanding or refuse to accept it. Some kind of passive aggressive rebellion. ( Ha! And if you know me well you know passive aggressive absolutely makes me crazy!)
Walking with God by faith in this new perspective is producing in me fruit of the Spirit. The peace I am walking in is remarkable. To rest in God seems possible in many new ways and in lots of different relationships. I will take that over my old perspective without reservation. I am shocked at how controlled I have been by my unbelief.
Did I like that God was allowing me to wrestle with all this? No, I did not. Once again he is found faithful and loving and I am more free to live by faith in Him than ever before. Am I grateful He did not leave me where I was? Absolutely!!!
To the people who have patiently endured this process with me and have trusted God for and with me, I want to say thank you and please know that you were needed.
Is God in the midst of unraveling a belief about Him that does not match up with the truth? Is there a truth about God that you long to be able to identify yourself in? Like, God is good therefore I can be one who trusts Him. I'm grateful to know that God's faithful love for you will hold on to you as He reveals where you struggle to live identified with God in Christ.
