The Artist Way

                                                                                Today's writing spot

On a walk in August, I heard an an instruction from God. It was clear and short. Take The Artist Way down off the bookshelf. I don’t get that kind of communication from God often. But when it comes out of the blue I trust it. Or, at least I did that day. I pulled the book down when I got back and started reading it. My first time with this book was seven years ago. As soon as I started reading I remembered why I loved it so much. It’s a book that guides the reader through a process that helps you figure out what is limiting you or leaving you stuck creatively. All those years ago, I dabbled in trying to do the process. I wasn’t ready. The book went back on the shelf. 

I sensed I was ready this time. I sensed it was a strong invitation from the Lord. So I easily made a promise to faithfully do the process. I had one misgiving. I did not want to do it alone. I do not have the emotional energy for alone right now. I asked God for people to do it with. I started brainstorming people I could mention it to but quickly gave up when an awful dread swept over me. I didn’t want to accidentally become the leader of something. I didn’t have it in me. 

The next morning I prayed again about people to do it with. When I finished praying I picked up my phone and seconds later the cover of the book was in my Instagram feed. What?! I looked. It was an ad.  It was from someone I’d never heard of before. She was starting a brand new cohort online to lead people through the book in the second half of September. It was free. I almost threw down my phone in a what is happening to me right now kind of way. I chatted with Dave. I read through her website. I  listened  to a couple of her podcasts and enthusiastically signed up. I did the first four weeks on my own and restarted with the group in September. 

But wait that’s not all!  A friend I hadn’t interacted with for years and years reconnected in June. When I told her what was going on she decided to sign up and do it with me. Wow. I was amazed and grateful. In a season where my heart is not getting what it longs for on the “big things” this chain of events was remarkable and encouraging. 

Here's an overview of the process. There are five components: I do stream of thought writing for three full pages every morning. I go on an artist date to do something I enjoy once a week. I read a chapter and do some exercises. When choosing from the exercises I do at least one exercise I love and one I don’t love. I attend the weekly cohort meeting and spend 30 minutes talking with my friend afterward.  It takes around 12 hours a week.

When this leg of my journey is in the rear view mirror my hunch is the timing of this cohort is going to be recognized as brilliant, maybe even pivotal.  It’s given me a time and a place to document the terrain of my soul in detail. I’ve written down how God has shown up for me.  I have documented, to the best of my ability, stories of inner healing. It's also given me a place to write down all the new perspectives and longings. There has been a lot going on in this soul. I'm grateful for the support and outlet it provides. I hope this work is helping to unstick me creatively and leading me forward.

I’ve completed five weeks of The Artist Way and have seven more to go. To be continued…

All my love,

Cheri

Questions to ponder

Where are you stuck? What is God putting in your path to help you? Who is God putting in your path? How is God Himself showing up? May we all remember God loves helping His children through what seems impossible. 

Places to explore:

The Artist Way Cohort - offered every fall and spring

Artist Joy Podcast by Cohort Leader Merideth Hite Estevez

My Artist Way companion - Cheryl White

Update on Dave: We did not do the 12th chemo treatment his body had done all it could stand. He will be going through a series of scans and test to decide where we go from here. Pray for rest and restoration from all the damage that chemo has done to his body. From the bottom of our hearts thank you for doing what you can to bear this with us. 

Vows of love

 "Dearly beloved we are gathered together today in the sight of God..." 

When I sat down to write this blog. I didn't have a clue where to begin. As I bowed my head to pray for help the words above flowed. Isn't this the start of a wedding?

I wasn't totally shocked. I've given a lot of thought to wedding vows lately. For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health have come to mind easily. When I realized I couldn't remember the rest of the vow I asked Alexa. Here's what she had to say. (Names inserted by me.)

"In the name of God, I, Cheri, take you, David, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, until parted by death."

I'm grateful for vows, especially ones made before God. I see the power of grace in vows. We can't keep this level of promise without the power of love and grace. The most surprising thing might be when we become people who genuinely want to keep these sacrificial promises. We learn what it means to love and to cherish when we live into all the parts of the vow that comes before those words. Is there anything better than to be loved and to be cherished or to be the one who loves and cherishes? Thoughts like these are an anchor while the storm of uncertainty rages around me.

That brings me to my thoughts about you. I often think of you and pray for you. Many are heartbroken by our circumstances. I know how it feels to be heartbroken over a friend's story. Some of you are confused by what God allows. I know how that feels too. Since March, I have experienced the deepest moments of confusion and disorientation to date. I thought I'd hit some big versions of this already. They were practice rounds by comparison. So I write here to acknowledge what is happening and with the hope, it will be helpful. 

Swirling confusion has made me appreciate vows more than ever. Emerging from a confusing conversation with God,  I began to ponder that Christ's followers are described as the Bride of Christ. God has made vows to us and we have the opportunity to make vows in return. It's the kind of relationship God is wanting to have with us: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we easily live together forever. 

Like the vows from my wedding, I'm learning I don't exactly remember what was promised and what was not. I've had to look those up too. Graciously, miraculously I'm tasting it's possible to become a bride that loves and cherishes even when life isn't going the way she was expecting.  I'm also experiencing how loved and cherished I am regardless of my capacity to see, understand, or trust a relationship that allows circumstances I do not want. "How can this be love?" has probably been the most confusing and painful one of them all. Reading through the book of Job became a satisfying answer to the question. That's probably a blog for another day.

Back to vows. What vows am I willing to take? What will I agree to or accept? What will I forsake? How has the practice of Lent every year prepared me to be a vow taker? Until I reflected on this I wasn't aware that it was the spiritual discipline of vow-taking that I was practicing. Neither did I see the similar impact to how vows lived in marriage create a loving and trustworthy relationship. I'm sure I've heard teaching on this but wasn't able to connect the dots till now. There is nothing like lived experience for dot connecting!

The list of vows I've been willing to make has grown over the years.  I see a cycle emerging. God reveals something new about His commitment to me in an experiential way. I desire to reciprocate and meet both my willingness and my resistance. I keep practicing, succeeding, failing, practicing some more, and after a time of choosing and the miracle of grace, it becomes who I am in the relationship. While never perfect, it does become something I am more often than I'm not. In other words, vows practiced become a way of life.  Living the cycle creates a deepening of loyal love. 

What do these words invite you to? Has love turned you into a vow keeper? 

Dear Lord,

Only you could change confusion and heartbreak into a deeper vow of love and commitment. How you do that amazes me. Bless and keep all the ones that have been so faithful to love and pray for Dave and me. Help them to know their prayers are doing more than they can imagine. Help them to be honest with You as they pray. Help them to receive what they need as they pray for Your Kingdom to come and Your will be done in the lives of all the people they love. May this become a time of deepening faith and vow-making and vow-keeping for them too. 

In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen

To be continued...

                                      photo by Kelly Sikkema

Health update

Dave will attend his 5th day of chemo on Wednesday. They are being aggressive with treatment because "he handles it so well" and because that's what they know to do with Stage IV cancer. We are grateful for God's strength and that his body is responding to the treatment. Time marches on it will tell us the answer to our prayers.

My health has improved. I'm not free of the pain or it's limitations yet.

We continue to marvel over the number of people that mention they are praying for us. You are a part of God's story with us. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you!

Interior journey

So much has happened spiritually and much of it feels beyond words. I'm struggling to know what to write. What would I want you to know?

God is trustworthy.

We live in a broken and dying world. I didn't know how to respect this and not drown in fear.

God is trustworthy.

I didn't realize how much of a plan I had for my life until it was threatened.

God is trustworthy.

My story is being written in a cosmos where beauty, goodness and truth will have the last say.

God is trustworthy.

All people suffer. Disciples learn about suffering that insists we let go of everything that is in the way of faith to receive the most beautiful version of this life.

God is trustworthy.

This amount of suffering creates a breaking that makes new things possible. You can surrender in order to live or refuse in order to die.

God is trustworthy.

Three summers ago, God compelled me to return to a piece of land in the mountains of Colorado that was tied to a piece of my story that created great doubt in who God was willing to be for me. As I sat in the forest and prayed God asked me a tender question. "Can we be done with the doubt?" I was surprised by the perfection of the question. Later by the perfection of being asked that question in that place. It's amazing what it took for that to happen. I knew God was up to something significant. It was exciting. It was overwhelming too. Can you believe what Jesus is willing to orchestrate for us? Jesus lit up the path forward. Follow the question. "Can we be done with the doubt?"

In the last three years, God has been leading me to see and face all my doubts and to realize where they have rooted themselves in my story. These last six months have been an intense exploration of my questions about pain and suffering. Currently, I wonder if there is anything more effective than painful experiences to uproot something that doesn't belong? My recent encounters with God have been marked by His power to conquer and uproot doubt and to melt my heart into complete surrender. I no longer fear that He is unwilling to be for me everything that I need. This has come with great grace and mercy as my degree of rebellion and doubt is more real to me than ever before.  

Somehow it feels important to share these things while I'm still in the middle of something unfinished. Do not be afraid of what I am saying here. We can be tempted to fear what it will take to become faithful people in The Way of Jesus. The irony is I should have been afraid of my doubts because they were destroying me. This believing and trusting is making me alive. Let Him help you believe Him! I wonder what beautiful and good things God will do with all of this? I dare not say. It will be better than I can imagine. To be continued...

God is trustworthy.

Where I did and did not want to go...

(I started this entry on April 20th and I am releasing it today. I needed some time to make sure I was willing to share this publicly.)

Fair warning. I'm not going to work to make this readable. I'm not going to care how many grammar rules I break. I will try to take care of spelling errors. What is in my head right now are random moments and events that feel like they need to be noted.

I'll be shocked if very many hang in there to the end. So don't feel bad if you just can't read through all that I'm about to write.

Context: In January I started having what is called a flare of Interstitial Cystitis. It's painful. The amount of pain varies from day to day and the severity of it ranges from 0 to 8. I never know how little or how much will hit each day. This started on the heels of caring for my Mom and being with her and family through her passing away. There is a connection to stress and what stress does to the body and this condition. Solving it is a mystery. It's often slow and multifaceted.

On the day of my Mom's delayed funeral service in March, Dave came down with a fever. Five days later we were in the ER. The next day he had major surgery which confirmed Stage IV Colon Cancer. 

We have been told that chemo will likely go on for six months and will begin as soon as his body has recovered enough from surgery.

We have been surrounded with love, help, and thousands of prayers. Our family and friends, far and near, have done everything people can do. They would do a lot more if I had stuff for them to do. 

Dave's work colleagues have given him their blessing over and over again to focus on healing and the promise to cover what he can not do. What words honor how big a gift that is to us?

The support is absolutely incredible. We have been showered with generosity.

My interior journey: I am confused, hurting, overwhelmed. I am doing the only thing I know to do which is pray, listen, and share with others when I am able to form words. Sometimes I don't have the emotional energy to form words. At others times I simply can't find them.

The purpose of this blog since its beginning has been to write down the stories of God's involvement in my life. In the years I have been doing this, I was taught that one of the purposes of participating in creativity is to heal and to help others heal too. The possibility of healing through writing is on of the things that drives me to write. My journals contain everything I think, feel, want, let go of and cry over. Once I get a glimpse of something that makes sense, I'm willing to write it down for others. Today I'm writing both things here. 

From early January to Dave's diagnosis I was doing less and less due to my illness. I was researching solutions, trying them out and resting because laying down would help the pain to go away. I lost the ability to go on my daily walk. I lost the ability to do yoga stretching and strengthening. I lost the ability to meet with others for coffee or lunch. I lost the ability to travel. While the world was opening back up I was in a lock down that rivaled March of 2020. I felt like I was losing my life. The longest flare before this one was 4 weeks or so and four years ago. To be marking week 8, 9, 10 was leaving me on the edge of despair or full-on in the pit of it. I kept most of my Spiritual Direction appointments because I did all I could to manage pain to the point that I could sit undistracted for an hour at a time. That usually meant Friday evening and Saturday were a total loss because I needed to recover in bed or on the couch. My vocation felt fragile.  Could I cope with this much uncertainty and pain and still stay present to others? Before all this, I'd say, as long as I can hear people, I will be able to do this to my dying day. Assumptions. I understand more than ever the phrase, if the Lord wills it. We do not know the future. My whole life felt fragile. Would I ever recover?

So you can imagine what happened to my heart when I found out what was going on inside of Dave's body. The threat of losing him, our life together of truly losing my whole life as I have known it was before me. The shock. The fear. The grief. The questions. The confusion. I've readily talked about how disorienting a life of faith in God can be. Disorientation does not even begin to describe the feeling. I needed help finding a way to becoming something less than shattered and oriented again. During a phone call with a friend. one of the visuals God gave was connected to swimming. My friend was talking about clinging to the side of the pool. As I lay in bed that night, I told God that it feels like you forgot that I don't know how to swim and you are inviting me to swim the English Channel and expected to trust that it will all be okay. God, you are asking too much. God, I can't do this. All I'll say now is that the Lord keeps working with my heart and that image. 

I've had so many questions about suffering. I've been doing my best to ask them and listen for perspective that I do not have. Jesus suffering over a will of the Father that he wondered if it could pass. Jesus choosing to suffer. Does Jesus suffer with me, with us now? If victory over death happened at the cross why would Jesus be suffering? What is the now and not yet of all this suffering for Jesus? What was it like for the disciples to suffer in everything that did not make any sense on the Saturday before Resurrection Sunday? 

The Welcome Everything prayer hangs there. Begging me to trust that God does not allow anything but what can be used for good, our salvation, our redemption. That there are things I need to let go of to have the life with God that I desire. God forgive me, I would not have longed for that if I had known this was the road. 

When I am in pain, it is only by the power of resurrection grace that I choose acceptance, surrender, and love. Those moments have happened in long, deep places of prayer. Grace. Only grace upon grace.

I've asked God to help me receive His prayers for us. To receive the prayers of others on our behalf.

I have watched Dave accept, be sobered by and place His hope in God.

I have watched my son grieve, love and accept.

I have watched my friends long for goodness to be restored to our lives through healing and grace. I've seen the sadness and their sense of knowing when they have suffered like this before me. I have watched us all look for and cling to hope together. 

The crazy thing is, I did want to go here. I wanted to be able to trust God with anything. I wanted to be on the road that would lead to transformation. A few times I have had a serious encounter with the words: be careful what you pray for.

I'll keep writing in my journals, at times I'll write here too. I'll keep sharing as I am able. 

I'm praying for a beautiful story of redemption, grace, glory. May it be. It's promised. By the grace of God, this I believe.

Photo Credit: Photo by Artur Stanulevich on Unsplash