Thursday, October 31, 2013

Sometimes I can't have what I want.

I can't have a problem solved.
I can't have someone's trust.
I can't defend myself.
I can't be understood.
I can't have clarity.
I can't have perspective.

In those places I have choices to make.

Will I run, hide, become angry and sin, become bitter, demand what I want? Will I allow myself to feel the frustration and pain of unmet desires. Will I notice that all those choices just makes everything worse?

Will I seek Him above all else? Will I wait with hope? Will I receive what He has to offer me when it's not what I'm wanting? It's humbly to let go of what you want and to trust another for your own good or for the greater good.

At times I realize that I am putting up a fight with God. The desires of His heart are different from my own. When my desires seem good that feels particularly hard to sort through. When I'm still resisting and not resting there is process not yet completed. So I pray that the Lord will help me arrive at His desires for me today.

Where it's not an internal struggle but an outside enemy, I pray that God will show me which part of the armor I'm leaving out of the mix: truth, God's righteousness, peace, faith, my salvation, The Spirit, a willingness to pray without ceasing.

As I walk away... I think I'll ponder with God what it means to be content in all circumstances.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

A Tribute to Matt

We celebrated Matt's 21st Birthday on Saturday!

I asked Matt if it felt significant to him to be turning 21. He replied, "Actually, I think it's more significant to other people than it is to me."

That was honest and I wasn't surprised.

I am one of those other people. I wanted to be there the day he turned 21. I don't even know all the reasons why. One thing I've noticed, is that you spend all those years being responsible for your child. You are there influencing every part of their life. That responsibility is great at times, even overwhelming. There are all those things you say over and over and over again, while really wondering if any of it reaches wherever it needs to go to make a difference. As a parent there were so many years of cluelessness and simply hoping.

Then before you know it, it's time to begin the transition out of that responsibility. Oh my gosh, that takes trust. Without the Lord, I don't think I would have been willing to do it. I'm sure Matt can tell you the places, even now, where I can get tripped up by fear and forget to live in a place of trust.

I'm seeing that in more and more areas he is truly beginning to think like an adult who has switched his dependency of us to his relationship with God and others. He knows were are in his camp. He knows we are available when he decides he needs our perspective. He knows that we long for goodness to be a part of his journey. It was just so good for my soul to be together!

Matt, I want to say out loud for all the people that love both of us that the words that come to mind for you are these: passionate, good to those around you, teachable, one who laughs (about seven different versions of laughter), one who cries when your heart is deeply touched, one who desires to walk honestly before God and others, a person who doesn't mind taking risks in any area of your life.

You have taught me so much about what it means to trust God for being able to love well. I needed to learn from you.  I love you dearly. But what's even better than that, is that I really, really like you. I enjoy you so much. I am so excited to cheer you on and pray you on from here!

Love always,

P.S. - To all those, especially Dave, that have contributed to Matt and my relationship being good I am thankful for you this day as well. We've had a good village!