Following Dave

I love this picture!

Dave likes to take pictures he doesn't enjoy being the one having his picture taken. That doesn't always stop me. Sometimes it does. But not this day. This picture was taken right before we got in the helicopter behind him. We were given a tour of Kauii by a pilot named Kevin from Fort Collins, CO.

It was an incredible ride. I mean incredible!!!

I also love this picture because between the two of us I'm more the risk taker. Not on this! Dave knew as soon as he heard about helicopters with no doors that was the ride for him. I knew as soon as I heard about it that it was NOT the ride for me. I made it very clear if he made the reservation that I did not want to be one one of those crazy helicopters with no doors!

I was amazed by how calm he was about the idea. Not because it's strange for Dave to be calm about difficult things. But who can be calm about whipping around in the sky with no door between you and the very steep drop down? Dave.

I started to wonder if I was being ridiculous, too cautious and ironically it unnerved me more that I might be missing out on something great then that I'd be flying around in the air with no door between me and a very long and scary plunge down to the ground.

Dave was patient. Zero pressure. I mean zero pressure. I was starting to feel very bad about my declaration that I would not fly in one of "those" helicopters. So we looked around and found a company that would let me sit up front with the pilot and a door and Dave could be in the back without the door.

We got to the airfield. I had like three more fears I had to process with the escort to the airfield and then on last one with the pilot. Everybody was so calm. Fears addressed.

I said to the pilot, (while thinking I can not believe I'm about to say this)"Is it too late to move me to the back with Dave?" He smiled and said, "No". He proceeded to remove the door. We climb in buckle up and away we go!

It was a great ride. I'm glad I let Dave's calmness unnerve me. I'm glad he didn't pressure me just let all the pesky fears come on up to the surface. I'm glad they all got addressed. I'm glad I followed Dave into his dream. It was marvelous!

And, oh by the way, Dave's shot was picked as the best one for the month of January 2012! Click here for the shot!

Dave, I love you! I'm glad we are doing this thing called life together.

Glory?

What does the word glory mean?

I've never understood that word. I've been thinking about that word since my twenties. It irks me when I can't understand something. It's one of those words that I looked up. I read the definition many times and I'd seem to comprehend the words in the definition and then walk away still not knowing what it means.

When that happens, I basically ignore the word until the next time it shows up in a teaching or a friend brings it up in a conversation or an author talks about it in book.

But last Sunday, something happened. My pastor was teaching about prayer. And as a part of that he talked about the fact that most people find prayer frustrating and dissatisfying. Then he gave ways that we could enter into a conversations with God with different motivations. As a part of that conversation the word glory came up.

I started to wonder if I went back and reread all the places where the word glory and appears in reference to God could I substitute the words I Am or God's I AMness. Oh man, when that thought hit, it was an epiphany.

We live for the glory of God. We live for His I AMness. We lay down our lives for the glory of God. We lay down our lives for His I AMness. His glory is revealed in creation. His I AMness is evident all over the place.

Here is where I think I got twisted up before this moment. We people are glorified it's often a very ego puffing up and ugly thing. I couldn't connect the dots to God on that. So I didn't know how else to think about it. I've had people come to me basically saying the same thing and saying they weren't all on board with making God look good just for the sake of that. Which is very honest human reaction. I didn't really know how to help them. I think my pretty lame response has been that it says that's how we are supposed to live and think so I'm trying to go with that even though I don't really get it.

But boy, I think I get this now. I can be about living for His I AMness, His essence. He is trustworthy with that. He's not going to respond to that the way a human responds to be praised.

So I raise a glass to yet another mystery that is unfolding! Cheers! May the light bulb moments just keep coming. Thanks be to God.

A boy from Liberia

Scarcity - God only provides only what is needed and his definition is always different than mine.
Abundance - God blesses in countless ways and when I begin to see that the amount God is giving it nearly impossible to list.

Scarcity used to be the only way I could see the world. Or at least 90% of the time. I believed that God was not generous. I pretty sure I would have never said that out loud. If I thought it, I would have denied it. But the truth is that my anxiety level and hopelessness over different things clearly shows me that this is what I believed.

I was in a meeting this week where we were faced with this choice. Were we going to believe in scarcity or generosity? If we believed in scarcity we were going to become who we are not. If we believed in God's generosity then we were going to remain faithful to what we believe we've been called to do and we were not going to cave to the world's ways of caving and seeing.

While at Catalyst Dallas the next day, I heard one of the most powerful stories of God's abundance that I have ever heard. It was the story of a young boy in an orphanage in Liberia. He longed to be adopted. All the evidence around him must have said this is not possible. But one day, the care givers at his school said we are going to change things. When you receive your food for today (one bowl of rice), instead of us leading the devotions we are going to call on one of you a day for the next 12 days. When we call on you, you need to stand and say just one thing you are thankful for. This orphan boy was called the first day. He could not think of one thing... not one thing to be thankful for. He was frustrated by this. But remembered a song. A song of thanksgiving. He sang the song and sat back down. The second day another boy was called on to say one thing he was thankful for. He sang a song too and when he started to sing the first boy stood and sang with him. This pattern repeated until the twelfth day. On the twelfth day, an American consulate was walking by the orphanage at the time the children were singing. He did pass by. He walked into the orphanage. He listened to the song of thanksgiving. When they finished, he promised the boys that all twelve of them would travel to America to raise money for the orphanage. Not only was there money raised, but all 12 members of the choir plus 28 more orphans from the orphanage we're adopted into American families. And now those American families are investing in training future leaders inside of Liberia.

This story blows me away. It is truly miraculously abundant. Did God stop the first boy from being able to think of just one thing he was thankful for... one of his friends, a cool stick found on the way to school, a fascinating bug that landed on his shirt the day before... something. Or, did God respond to this boys frustration with really wanting to be thankful for something with the gift of a song. What prompted the first boy to stand with the 2nd to sing in solidarity with the first? Who prompted the American consulate to walk by on the twelfth day? Not the 1st day or the 5th day. But the last day the caregiver declared this would be done. The last day.

Please don't read what else I have to say next until you really take in this story. What is God showing you about your life and what you believe about God?

I am personally involved with four organizations that do not have all the resources that we believe we need to do all that God has given us vision for. There is serious temptation in my life to believe that God is looking down on us and these activities and barely providing for at least three of those situations. But that is not true. There is vision. There is peace. There is faith. There is courage to not give up and move forward. And as long as we exist and we do not have to close our doors there is abundant hope. This road of faith we have been called to walk is what we need. Our souls need to walk by faith. And the Lord in His goodness and wisdom and love will decide when and where and how to answer our prayers for tangible resources.

Dear God,

It is so challenging to see things from your perspective. I'm truly sad about and sorry for the moments when I haven't known how to trust you with provision or to be able to see the abundance that is there. It so important to have our eyes fixed on you above all other manner of things. All the doubt and unbelief that I have walked around in and that didn't matter to you. You have still provided from my soul, my family, my church and my jobs. Help me to more than pray thy will be done and mean it. Help me to enjoy the unfolding of Your will. Help me to yield to You and Your will. Thank you for not holding our sin against.

And thank you for bringing the story of this orphan boy into my life.

Amen

Exhausted with Joy

I used this phrase, exhausted with joy, on a recent Facebook status and a couple of friends encouraged me to write about it.

I've been pondering this phrase off and on since then.

My life is not problem-less right now.  But it is fair to say that I am in a season that is marked by joy. And well... sometimes it's exhausting. Believe me, that is not a problem! I've been exhausted before with pain and frustration and wondering if I would ever know joy. So I'll take the kind of exhaustion that joy brings any day.

Why is joy exhausting? Well, in that particular week, I was hosting four women as they prepared to lead a retreat for 50 facilitators. They were holding meetings in my home for a couple of days and we were gathering with other leaders in the area in the evenings. I was also keeping up with my new job. My mind was churning with ideas and my heart was filled with the joy of being with all these different people which I love dearly and admire so much. All of us were working together to listen and respond to the Lord's leadership regarding next steps in both ministries. In some ways I think it was simply sensory overload. So on top of the fantastic activity throughout the day it was also challenging to settle in each night and get some sleep.

I've spoken with a couple of different people this week about the heartache and confusion of joylessness. Both have shared with me that they wonder if they will ever know joy. I have totally been there. For me, the pathway to joy was narrow. It's another piece of the transformation process. The pathway to joy was a process of pressing out doubts and fear and having all those beliefs exchanged for faith and trust. And now, in the area of finding purpose for my life, I'm on the other side of that pressing out process.

Thank God! I have walked with my doubts and fears through the valley of trust and faith and come out on the other side... and well, it's a new day! I know joy here. It is indeed a new day. I love it when I get exhausted with it!

I'm writing this in part to say that if there is an absence of joy, don't give up hope that God is up to something very very good in your life. Keeping asking the Lord to bring joy into your life. Press on. And please have people, praying with you, about it all. Ask the Lord to help you find a verse that reminds you to walk by faith and submit to being pressed in on. My verses came from Lamentations 3 and Proverbs 3 and Jeremiah 29. (Picture from Sherri Sund)

Seriously!

I went to a new group last night. Believe me, no one is more surprised about that than me. Part of me thinks I have no business adding another group into my life.

In my defense... not that I'm feeling defensive or anything. Ha! I will not be leading this group. And, it only meets once per month.

It is a Writer's Group. I've been aware that these things exist for a number of years now. I've been slightly interested for a number of reasons. Technically, I am not a good writer. Grammar rules and skills do not remain in my brain. It's very annoying. But there has also been a significant amount of reservation too. I was so thrilled when many of my reservations were specifically addressed in the presentation given at the meeting.

Last night, I received insight into why it's easy for me to write something the length of a blog but much more difficult to transition my style or writing into chapter length. I now understand what is happening or not happening as the case may be.

I now understand why free writing for 30 minutes used to be an exercise that I enjoyed and why it stopped being an enjoyable exercise.

And, I don't want to be a part of a critique group. This is an encouragement group. There is a difference and Frank Ball was quite articulate about the difference. Critics do what they do for their own benefit. People who encourage are used to bring out the courage in others. I am so grateful that this group is being led by people who know the difference!

Recently I watched a great video on story telling that also gave me a structure clue that I've been needing in order have a framework to work on telling my stories. Nancy Duarte gives the presentation at TEDxEast.

So the areas I was becoming clear on where supported. The concerns I had were addressed. And places where there was confusion have been cleared up just enough to move forward.

And the double icing on the cake for the whole evening is that two ladies who have gone through Listen To My Life with me are the leaders of this new group. Oh my goodness the joy of watching them step out in faith and start this new venture together was just crazy fun to watch! Crazy fun!

Here's the one significant and remaining problem. When am I going to write?

Dear Lord,

I am super excited about all that has happened in the last six months to a year with this. I'm grateful for the unknowns that have been helped. I'm just wondering when on earth I'm going to be able to set aside the time to do the writing. If you could show me what I have to give up or help me see time that I do not see right now, I'd appreciate that! Thank you for putting people in my life that can truly help me with all this! Blessings on them and their writing adventures I pray!

Amen

Rule of Life

I'm relearning.

Almost constant state really.

Lately I've been very anxious about all the things I am not getting done and the people I'm not getting a chance to spend time with.

It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that I've learned ways to not live like this before and I don't like living like this now.

I know why I've gotten behind. I am willing to work hard at things I care about. Actually, I am willing to work too hard at things I care about. I fell right back into old patterns of managing life. Write the to do list. What's most pressing? Get that done first. Who wants what that I can't get to yet? Worry about that and feel guilty. Check. What do I want done and need to get off my list before I let something drop that will really be limiting to other people involved. Crap there's too many of those things on my list. Someone is going to be let down. Can you feel the worry and anxiety building?

Some where along the way I started to realize that because my to do list had gotten longer than what is normal for me, I had switched into managing it all on my own and leaving the Lord out. At this point I'm always thankful for these realizations. The truth sets you free.

Well guess what project I'm supposed to be working on for my Spiritual Direction training? It's called the Rule of Life. I'm to create a Rule of Life. Now for someone who is committed to avoiding legalism as their guide this idea was hard for me to wrap my mind around. Words are so tricky sometimes. Basically its just language for exploring the question: How is God developing relationship with me? What framework can I put into place to help my mind, emotions and will be most teachable? How is God inviting me to live? What choices will I have to make by faith and with trust to live the way God is inviting me to live? I guarantee you that doing it on my own with a mind and heart full of anxiety was not what God was inviting me too!

So last Sunday it occurred to me that worship music would be helpful. This week I've downloaded some new music. The kind of music that three different people all felt the need to mention to me! God isn't always subtle! Plus one of my very favorite artists just released a new album. Yea!

Then at work, I was introduced to a Spiritual Director that was providing devotions during Lent that come into your inbox over night. She is also including original music. I just knew when I heard about that it would be a good fit. I signed up. Those started coming in on Wednesday and I am enjoying that time with the Lord every morning. One of the themes in those devotions is exactly what I needed to hear right now.

And then... well this is getting a little long but a few other things have come my way that will be helpful at this time too. I'll leave it at that. God is faithful. God is helping me transition into a new phase. I've proven once again that I need all the help God wants to toss my way. Grace.

Do you struggle to manage life without including God?
Is God inviting you to include him more?
Are there habits you could include daily that will help you with that?
Have you ever tried something different in your relationship with God - a leap of faith?

This is the book I'll be using to help me continue this conversation with the Lord:

Crafting a Rule of Life: An Invitation to the Well-Ordered Way
By: Stephen A. Macchia & Mark Buchanan

New things

Lots of things are changing in my life. I figured my blog look might as well join the club!

I updated a few things on the right side of the page.

And I want to share a quote from Phillip Yancey's book on Prayer: Does it make a difference?

Prayer is a subversive act performed in a world that constantly calls faith into question. I may have a sense of estrangement in the very act of prayer, yet by faith I continue to pray and look for other signs of God's presence.

I've gotten a chance to be subversive on a number of occasions this week. Now it's time to watch and wait. :)

Transition into a new day...

November 19th - last blog entry. Wow! Shocked!

Longest ever between posts. I've missed writing here. I think about it often but today is the first evening I've had "extra time" in I don't even know how long.I love that I really missed writing. It's happening. I'm becoming a writer. One who likes to write.

My life got busy. Not the kind of busy where I booked up every minute with the things I love to do busy. But the kind of busy where you have to pull more than your own weight for a season. I really can't remember the last time that happened to me. It included things like my dear mother-in-law having double replacement knee surgery. Neither parent could drive, etc, etc.

And, in the middle of December I was offered a ministry position that is such a great match for my passions. That job begins in mid-January. But related to the theme of getting busy... I found myself in a perfect storm scenario at work. Let's just say this is the hardest I have ever had to work leading up to leaving a position in my working life. I'm still afraid of the challenges I'm leaving behind for the next person. And praying often that we get more done than seems possible in the next 10 days.

So in light of all this, I have found myself praying every morning through my day. What is necessary today? Or, Dear Lord, please surprise me with inspiration and timing that gets more things done than I expect is possible. Give me grace with other. Please help me not get short with the people I love when I don't really know how all of this is going to come together. There was increased pressure and at the same time a quiet confidence that characterized most of my days the last month. I did get those perfect timing, 15 minute, I know just what to buy shopping trips in. I truly got to enjoy quiet, peaceful, delightful moments with my family. As well as the pleasure of time with some of our friends.

Looking ahead: I've been praying about this new season that is about to begin. I'm praying about setting up a schedule that makes sense for the rhythms and responsibilities of my day and for my new co-workers. I take hope in knowing that knees will mend and the urgency of leaving a job will end and all the "Merry Christmas" (on top of everything else) is gone away. I will transition into a new set of things to pray about at the beginning of each day. Maybe I will be back in a season that doesn't consistently look impossible.

Reflecting back: My words will fall short here. When I received the new job the only words that seemed appropriate were hallelujah and thank you. I know the decision to let go of my CPA license in 2003 and to trust God to equip me and prepare me for a new kind of work has taken me to unexpected places and given me unexpected relationships and that most of the time during that time it did not make a lot of sense. But today, looking back, I can see the hand of God and the wisdom of God and faith provided by God. It's all grace is more comprehensible to me than ever before. I can see that I am a better at trusting and persevering when I don't know what the heck is going on. I've learned to let go of the illusion of control more quickly. I'm truly excited to see how God will use all that He has invested in me. I'm also very grateful for all the people that have been a part of this journey with me. It's actually taken a rather large tribe.

I am

thankful
blessed
hopeful
equipped
dependent
changing
willing
excited
in awe
as ready as I'll ever be to live a new chapter in my beloved little life.

May God bless and keep you, make his face to shine right down on you and grant you His everlasting peace! With love, Cheri

Acorns

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

That is what is sounds like outside my house this fall. The acorns are truly raining down out of our oak trees.

The other day I saw a huge flock of black birds land in our biggest oak tree out front. They did a group snatch and grab. At first I was confused and then realized they were taking acorns. Within seconds they all flew away again. I was like, "No come back, please take all you want."

I have been pondering these acorns for weeks now. We are in a drought. In the same year we have the least water we have the most acorns. Hmm.

Yesterday while blowing off the front walk of leaves and acorns, a new insight about these prolific little buggers dropped into my head. When we are stressed and depleted there is this massive seed production going on in our lives. I stopped what I was doing and stood in awe of this thought.

You see, part of what I do is walk alongside people in the some of the hardest days they face on earth. Or, I walk with them while they sort out the meaning of the hardest days they have known on earth. That is a challenging call at times. I need all the help God will give me to keep allowing myself to be in those places with people. We all need to see purpose in the hard and painful days.

This is a beautiful visual of why we patiently endure hard days and our questions around past hard days. Those dry and difficult seasons in our lives produce seeds. All kinds of different seeds. When the season is over we have a rich storage bin of seeds. We have gobs and gobs of seeds. The dryer the season the larger the seed production.

In surprising ways and with people we never knew we'd meet we receive the invitation from God to plant those seeds... to give them away... to offer life to another person. God waters it, feeds it and causes it to grow. And, we have the privilege of seeing purpose and life come out of our past pain.

This is another challenging invitation to trust God. God knows exactly what seeds He is developing. He knows where and with whom He wants to spread them later. If we trust that He is working for His glory and our good and for the good of others then we will more patiently endure. If we do not we will be controlled by our fears. We will be prone to despair. We will wander until we do trust. Or, we will determine to ignore God and go about rescuing ourselves.

This morning before writing this post, I came across this poem:

Be still, my soul! The Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul! Thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Poem by Katharina von Sclegal

Dear Lord,

Thank you. This visual of piles and piles of acorn seeds is very helpful to me. To know and believe you have good purposes in all seasons is hopeful to me. For my friends who are hurting and enduring a dry and hard season please show them how to rest in you... to trust in you... to believe in you.

For my friends who are not in that season right now but have bags of seeds to spread around. Guide them to people and places to spread those seeds. May they follow with a listening and responsive heart to the needs of others. May You get all the credit for any life realized in the process.

May we all know how to worship you regardless of what season we find ourselves in.

Amen

Cease Striving

I received one of the most unexpected and therefore delightful gifts ever this past weekend.

God has been trying to show me something for some time now. Inviting me to a very big paradigm shift. It's such a big shift that I can honestly say that I see threads of it going back for more than nine years.

I have been very resistant for several reasons. I am the first born child of my family with all the typical leanings of a first born. It is a part of my personality to strive. Second, I live in the most productive and striving culture on the face of the planet. And lastly, I have lived in a church culture that teaches very little about our need for rest. That's a whole lot to overcome.

My awareness of all these things has been growing for almost a decade. In God's grace I have been able to see and understand more and more about words like, "Apart from me (Jesus) you can do nothing." When I look back at the beginning of this journey and think about how absolutely confusing those words were to me, it brings me joy that there is more clarity than confusion at this point. This has truly been a point of life changing or life transforming work in my life.

So what happened this weekend, you ask?

I'll get to that in just a minute but need to explain a couple of lead in events first.

My Grandmother True was passionate about genealogy. You should have seen her basement. The correspondence and research she did was in volumes and with great passion. That was back in the 70's and 80's. So one night in the summer of 2010, I was bored and got on the internet to see if any of her research had made it on to the world wide web. Before I knew it almost two days had been eaten up with following lineage trails back on both my Grandmother True's line and and my Grandfather True's line. I can trace my lineage back to Amsterdam and England.

One of the lines that goes back to England is the Otis line. John Otis arrived to the New World with Rev Peter Hobart and other families in 1635. Each of the families received a land grant near Boston, Massachusetts. I had discovered over a year ago, that it was possible to see that land, as the street name has remained the same since that time. It is called Otis Hill Road. As a part of my internet investigation I pulled up Google maps and thought that it would be very cool to find that hill one day.

So fast forward to June of 2011 and I find out that I have been accepted to a training program that takes place at retreat center locations around the Boston area. So prior to first training weekend in August, I thought I'd like to extend my stay after one of the training sessions to find some of the historical locations that relate to my family story. I thought the best time to do that would be when I go back in June of 2012. I also thought this just because a group of rent a car together each time and I am not usually one of the drivers listed on the rental.

The first night Rebecca and I get into a conversation and I mention that I'd love to find Otis Hill at some point but don't plan to do anything about it on this particular trip.

Well Sunday morning I hear someone running up the stairs at full speed. We're supposed to be in silence until after breakfast when we begin our worship service with prayer. I hear someone knocking on each room door in the hallway. Eventually there is a knock at my door. I say come in. Rebecca opens the door and says very excitedly, "Cheri, you have to come right now. I have to take you to Otis Hill Road. I found it will getting my cup of Starbucks coffee." It was the most delightful unexpected gift. My heart started to pound a bit. We drove for only five minutes or so and there we were.

It was a bit surreal. Eleven generations ago, a family led by John and Margaret Otis left Barnstable, England with a group of Puritans and started their new lives in the New World. They are a part of my story. It was beautiful piece of property that is on Walton Cove, in Hingham Bay which borders Boston Harbor.

So why the title cease striving? Well, I've been learning how to do that. Learning to let the Lord bless me with unexpected gifts. He is very creative in how He demonstrates His love for each of us. In my case the timing of it all boggles my mind. Even though I had the information I did not feel compelled to make the discovery of this amazing place happen. That is new for me. In the past something that I longed for would have made me anxious until I got it accomplished. One thing led to another over 15 months or more and there I stood. I hope I never forget just how lovely that felt. It was a treat to see how much Rebecca enjoyed participating in the gift! She wasn't missing that all this was some kind of God thing happening! She kept saying things like I can't believe I remembered your families name. I can't believe I saw the little sign. Very fun!

I'm getting less and less interested in making anything happen in my own strength. Which is a very good thing since it is a complete waste of time!

Here's a few pics...

One Thousand Gifts

I enjoyed the book One Thousand Gifts so much. It was creative. So creative it ignored all the writing rules. Or, so I am told. If you've read much of this blog you know that I am not a trained writer. I do not understand the rules either. (To my friends who are skilled and trained writers and you still take the time to read this blog, please know that I understand how difficult that must be for you at times.)

In that book, Ann shares that she had this profound ah ha moment at the end of the her first 1000 gifts list. As I got closer and closer to that number I started to place that expectation on God and my own list. That is not a good idea. I realized that and asked the Lord to help me avoid placing any expectations on the process, myself or the Lord. So I went back to simply enjoying the list making and worship experience of it all.

Within the last 10 entries, I did have a realization about thankfulness that I have never had before. Thankfulness received is not complete unless it is re-gifted. I found this word re-gift kinda funny the first time I thought about it. Re-gifting is quite controversial. Most people don't think it's a good idea in our everyday lives to re-gift. For some it's associated with giving away what you did not want in the first place. But it is also associated with what you do not need to keep. The second idea is where people are most comfortable with re-gifting. If I have two toasters... why wouldn't I give the second one away?

It is humbling to receive an unexpected gift. It is rude and unkind to not receive an unexpected gift. So when people reach out to us and say thank you we need to receive it. It is an act of love to receive the gift offered. But now what? Unexpected gifts can create a pride problem. We can take to much ownership of the gift. That is what I saw for the first time. Re-gifting can help keep us from having prideful reactions. What we receive we can pass on. It feels complete to pass it on. To whom much is given much is expected. I think one of the expectations that makes sense to me is passing on the generosity given to us.

I've written about this topic of thankfulness quite a bit over the past two years. It has been a theme that God has been working on in my life. I really do have a deep sense of thankfulness that the Lord has opened my eyes to how weak my thankful muscles were. I'm excited to see what the Lord will show me next about all this.

Dear Lord,

Help us to receive gifts from you and others. Help us to see how to offer them on to other people. Help us not to expect gifts. Help us to avoid pride when gifts are offered. Help us to see you as the source of all good things. Help us to be generous with others as you have been generous with us. Change our greedy and prideful hearts to ones that love.

Amen

A Thankful Heart

This was written on a recent Silent Retreat

A Thankful Heart

A thankful heart
both good and true
a bit like the surprise
of the morning dew.

A demanding heart abandoned
a seeing heart embraced.
Not an easy journey
and truly a gift of Grace.

A more opened heart

watching
waiting
looking
desiring

desiring to say with abundant measure...

Thank You

Is that Love?

Where did August go?

Playing catch up from being gone so long in July.
Disappearing to the mountains for almost a week for refreshment.
Dropping our son off at college.
Flying into Hurricane territory with a crazy amount of peace to start a new and significant phase of training in Boston.

That is where August went.

In the midst of all that something got said to me three different times. All three times it really got my attention and I could not figure out why until this morning. Dave and I are in the process of starting a new home group with another couple. In preparation for that we are reading a book called: Love Walked Among Us by Paul Miller. Reading this book, this morning, helped me to see what I was sorting out.

Here are the words that were spoken to me. "I know love is not a feeling. Love is an action."

I do not believe this is true. I believe that another pendulum swing has happened. It is fair to think that our culture has preached a message that says love is a feeling. Human "wisdom" has reduced love to a feeling. When the feelings stop then people believe that love has ended. In response to one half truth another has been created. Love is an action. Is that all love is?

If love is not a feeling and love is an action than isn't love very legalistic? Couldn't you come up with the to do list of actions that are loving and then you do them and define yourself as loving. You can even use the bible to come up with the to do list. That picture starts to look like a Pharisee to me. Obedient actions that include nothing else is not love.

Two things come to mind that I believe are true about love. Jesus is love. Jesus did not love us with parts of himself. Jesus loves us with his mind, his will, his emotions and his strength or actions. I believe that the transformation process in us is to take us from people who do not know how to love to others to people who love like Jesus. I believe that is why Jesus called Luke 10:27 the greatest commandment.

(Jesus)"He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

Here is where I see simply taking loving actions as being wise rather than legalistic. I have been called by God to do things that I did not want to do. Rather than compassion, concern or care for the other person I was fearful, selfish or prideful. I have asked God to help me to be able to simply do what I was being asked to do. God did help me and then in the process an understanding or a change in me did come through obedient surrender. In other words some things you just can't understand until you experience them with a teachable spirit. But there is so much more going on there than just doing a loving act. It's not actually the action itself that is love. It's coming to understand God and care about others more than myself that is love.

So I think the next time someone says to me that love is an action wanting me to see the wisdom of that expression... I will have to say please don't reduce love to just action. I think Love is more.

Reentry

It's a good thing I forget how difficult reentry after a Mission Trip can be.

Anger is one of the emotions. I wont specifically vent here. It's not appropriate. The specifics are not my point. I just want to say that there is something about going cross cultural that opens your eyes up. You see things you've either been totally blind to or putting effort into ignoring. Something about getting away and seeing other places do things differently and are getting better results leaves you with a level of frustration that is impossible to ignore. Especially when you remember that not everyone was on the same trip you just came back from and their perspectives haven't changed one bit. There is a breaking down process that happens on these trips that few other experiences allows for. I am asking God to keep the anger from turning to bitterness. I am asking God to give me loving responses when I get close to "hot points" in my culture. I'm hoping that I do no harm with the anger that is sometimes within me.

Sadness has been another strong emotion. I could have burst into tears most of Thursday afternoon. I had two good nights of sleep so it wasn't all about being tired. I had to focus on work. So when I got home I processed with Dave for a while and then gave myself a break from my to do list and spent time praying. I was sad because... the "flip the switch process" from working with a group of people, all working towards the spread of the gospel to...BAM now I'm making sure I got the checks posted to the correct expense account. Well it was just to fast and hard for my soul to take in. (Why God gives us these passions and then limits the resources to pursue them is on my list of heavenly questions.) Once the sadness was named, it was easy for me to discover devotions and verses that brought comfort to me as I have prayed about all that was stirred up in my thoughts and emotions on Thursday. I am doing much better now. Frankly, now I am grateful for the sadness. Sadness always motivates seeing under the surface for me. God has met me there in very encouraging ways.

Okay enough of the hard stuff... because by far there is way more encouraging stuff.

One of the things I have figured out about myself is that I have been put on the planet to care about and encourage leaders. It was not an accident that I was placed on the Nenagh team. I mentioned in a previous blog why it was good for both Pastor Matt and I to spend time together. But it was also timely that I was matched up with Nev. Nev is 24 years old. From all I gathered, his leadership skills are being developed at a pretty rapid rate. There were so many similarities in how we engage with God and with engage with other people serving God. I think I was placed there to say, on a few occasions: You are on the right track. Keep trusting what the Lord is doing in your life. And here's why I am saying that to you based on my own history with the Lord. Here's what's fun about the time spent with these two gentlemen. When I applied to go on this trip neither of those relationships was on my radar of possibilities. For those of you that know anything about the Desires and Longings Map that I walk through with people, you will understand how significant this realization of purpose was for me on this trip.

Which brings me to the sermon this morning. Pastor Mike spoke about Mary. He shared the story from Luke 1. The time when Mary is doing the daily dailies and an Angel shows us up and says... by the way, you will be the mother of God. The title for the sermon was: The Model of Discipleship. Mary had a willing and receptive heart. Preparation had gone into that moment. Preparation had been done on both sides. God prepared Mary's heart to receive the message. Mary invested with her community in knowing who her God is so well that she was able to quote back a passage from 1 Samuel in response. Mary said yes to God. It was not an easy thing to say yes to.

When friends first asked me, do you plan to apply to go to Ireland, three quick reasons for why "no" was clearly the right answer rolled off my tongue on several different occasions. The Still Small Voice convicted me that I had not actually prayed about that and asked God if He wanted me to be on the trip. The more I prayed about it, talked with others who would help me make the decision and other events in my life the more I realized that there was a sense that I should be willing to go. And, I got to the place where I really wanted to go. I'm grateful the Lord made it possible. My life would be far poorer if I had stayed with my three quick reasons for not going.

It matters, that it is possible for the Lord, in his grace in mercy to increase our sensitivity to his voice and to follow wherever He leads us. I believe this with increasingly clarity. I understand the dangers here. I know that part of my life purpose is to help people as they learn to be more responsive to the leading of the Holy Spirit in their lives. To God and God alone be the glory.

There is a lot involved in Reentry. It is not easy work. I haven't even discovered the half of it yet. Our team will continue to work through by reading The Celtic Way of Evangelism. I'll be reading with Dave on the road trip to Colorado this week. I'm really looking forward to it. Brent and Charlie tell me I'll like this book. I may have more to share after this week. That's it for now. Thanks for listening.

First pic is of Matt and Nev.
Second pic - Nenagh Team
Third pic - Team CBC

Planning is wee bit overrated!

Nothing goes as planned...

Our week here is Nenagh has been a week of rolling with it. I think it has been good for all of us. It's been a great week to practice listening and responding to the leading of the Holy Spirit. It's also been a good week for simply paying attention to who is responding to us and enjoying them.

That list of people is quite interesting:

The team members interacting with one another which include our fearless leaders Nev and Dave. As well as Keith, Jacki, Vanessa, Nicole and myself. And last and certainly not least the pastor we've come to help Matt.

20 plus church members

Random people on the street who know Matt and his wife Jules as we pass out fliers all over town. 3000 addresses will be covered in 4 or so days.

2 members of the "Tidy Town" civic group and a couple of youth doing community service. One of the Tidy Town representatives is Martin. He is a bit of a town historian. So while cleaning up the grave yard in the center of town he told us stories on break and asked us about our project. We hope to catch up again with him later in the week.

Nev has gotten to play football (soccer) with Matt and his team for two nights and may get invited to play in a game on Friday night. We plan to go watch and cheer them on. Hopefully we'll get to interact with some others on the sidelines as well while we're there.

Vanessa, Keith and Nev did Questionarres on the street today... If you had one question to ask God, what would it be? We may incorporate some of what was learned in the Sunday Coffee Bar conversation.

Nicole has been creating art all week. We will be leaving behind some of it for the church.

That give you a taste of what it has been like. We have had plans for each day but if someone shows an interest in interacting with us the plan gets scrapped and we go there. Much of that is work that only God knows about. We hope Matt becomes more aware over time if any meaningful seeds were planted in the lives of those who do not yet believe.

In many ways the trip has been about the encouragement of believers. Matt and his wife Jules have been doing the church plant here for 9 years. That is a long time. This is slow work. It makes a difference for teams like us to come in and provide much needed boost of support, encouragement, a listening ear and appreciation for so much that gets done that does not get recognized. I've been walking this journey with my own brother back in the States. I could not be more delighted about being put on a team sent here to encourage a church planting pastor. We talked for over an hour today. It was helpful to both of us.

Young Nev. He's 24. He's dubbed me the Mum of the group. And rightly so. I'm even older than the pastor. :) Nev and I share a lot of similarities in how we see things and how we approach ministry. It has been good for us to work through the decision making process together on a few occasions on this trip. He is very open about his faith. What he has learned and what he is in the middle of learning right now. It has been a joy to both listen and throw in a few words of encouragement. I do not know what all God has planned for this young man. But God has rescued him from a lot! He knows it. There joy in his soul to match. It's contagious. He is truly the most joyful person with gift of evangelism I have ever met. I'm praying that God will allow Dave and I to host him in America in some form or fashion. We'll see if that is God's plan or mine. :)

So we've got three more days to roll with it and see what happens. That will include a football game, a hurling game and a football fun day, attending a local children's play, Sunday service and whatever else we get surprised with.

For those of you praying for us, a great big thank you!

Falling in love with Ireland

A friend has asked to hear my thoughts so far on being in Ireland. There are so many that I struggle to know where to start. I'm certain they will come out in random ways here. I have thoughts about the students... the country... the leaders... my own walk with the Lord.

I tried to express this to Dave on the phone the other night. I have been studying and praying about compassion and the need there is in the world to reach out to other people in very meaningful ways. I've thought about the connections to that mindset and to the worship of God. I've thought about my resistance to communicate the gospel in the form of a proclamation. I don't know if this is going to make sense to anyone else... but I find myself living and breathing in the collision of all these things. They are not ideas. They are not thoughts. They are what we are living in community. And it is overwhelmingly beautiful to me.

There are many similarities to our culture and to Ireland. The differences that I have picked up on so far are very subtle but very real. It seems very risky to try and explain any of what I see because I have been here such a short time and I'm very open to the idea that I do not really understand what I am seeing yet. One thing that I find myself thinking about a lot is this: there is a history here of combat between two sides. The combat has taken place at all levels. It has happened with words, with fists, with guns. Those two sides want peace and they are trying to figure it out. They have succeeded in many ways. But what they still struggle to work out continues to shape their culture. There is conflict in all cultures. But what the conflict is and how God helps one person to develop a heart of compassion for the person they were once told to hate is very personal and very complex. Loyalty and allegiance to family and religion against an enemy is a great deal to let go of. What is so exciting for me to see in yet another culture is that Jesus Christ is excellent and making a way for all of us to let go of how we perceive others and see them through God's eyes instead and to love them as God loves us. This is a miracle.

The particular project that I am on is a good match for me. There are seven of us on our team. We have two leaders and one young adult that are all from Northern Ireland. We have three of us from Texas and one from Colorado. We are joined up with a baptist church plant in southern Ireland. We are in a county called Tipperary. A town called Nenagh is our location.  The population is around 8,000 people. We believer there is only one evangelical church in this area and they are it. They are suspected by many to be a cult, so the people open to God are not open to them. Then there is the other problem that I have heard so much about in Western cultures which is that there is a  very high percentage of people who are not interested in anything to do with religion. On Thursday I read a four page newspaper article ( I mean four full pages) on matters related to protecting children from the church. So our mission will be to interact with people in this community. We will attempt to show them what it means to be a Christ follower by how we treat them and how we treat each other. It will hopefully have nothing to do with religion. It will have everything to do with how much we know God has loved us and how much we know God loves them. We hope that any curiosity about who we are and why we have come will lead them into relationships with Pastor Matt and others at The Hatchery.

I wish I could say more about my worship experiences here than I will be able to do. I am very afraid anything I would attempt to say would take so much away from what actually happened in my soul. I will say that it is an honor, a privilege and a humbling thing to be invited into a vision or a mission that has been long sought and earnestly prayed for before your arrival. The leaders here are passionately hopeful about what God may do through Project 32. Their prayers and teaching and their worship through song reflect that passion well. It has made an impact on my soul. Other members on the team have acknowledged this out loud to me as well.

On a very personal note the Lord has given me glimpses of why I am here at this time in my journey. Saint Patrick and I seem to have a lot in common. When Ken Castor from Crown College was speaking on Friday night, I was reminded of this. Patrick is a contemplative prayer that I have taken note of before. St. Patrick has written a prayer that is often quoted and it goes something like this: Christ above me, Christ below me, Christ to my right, Christ to my left... It goes on. You can look it up if you'd like to read the whole thing. But basically Patrick was persuaded that if he chose to abide with Christ in prayer that God would help him to reach the people of Ireland. It turns out that leap of faith was correct. For the next seven days I will pray as often as God graces me with the ability to do so and watch God work through me and the rest of the team. It will be one of my greatest joys.

I have serious doubts I will have the time I have had this morning to write again while on this trip. But know that I plan to share more when I can.

Pray for God's Spirit to open the eyes of the blind to his love for them. Thanks.

Ireland

Well, I have not mentioned a really big deal thing that is happening in my life on this blog yet.

I think that falls under the idea that you don't want to count your chickens before their hatched. And I have never really gotten over the amazement that God has made a way for me to go.

I leave on July 11th and return on the 26th. I am going with a team of 5 leaders and 10 students. We will arrive in Dublin and travel to Belfast. We will be trained and then we will serve the people of Ireland in teams made up of students from lots of different places. So our students will be mixed in with other students from other places. The way things are designed matters to me. So far so good on that front. I think that this will be a very rich and full experience for our whole team.

One of the strengths I offer is flexibility. I have been on enough of these to know that nothing ever goes exactly as planned. You could end up with sheep in the road that need 45 minutes to cross, etc. I really have learned to expect that and actually enjoy rolling with it. But I can be pushed to far... I get tired too. So I've spent some time praying that I will sense that before I say or do something ridiculous. Or that I will be able to say I'm sorry and regroup if it happens. I'd appreciate your prayers for me on this. A calm leader that trusts the twists and turns can provide a lot of security and patience in the rest of the team.

I do not have the gift of evangelism. I have used this as an excuse far more than I like to think about it. I love being with my friends who do not think they have it either but clearly do. Does God come up in every conversation with every person you ever meet? Or almost every person? If the answer is yes, then please know that you have been grace with an amazing gift that not all of us have. I have grown to the place that I at least acknowledge in almost every encounter that God might be up to something. But that doesn't mean I speak up. I sense the Lord wants to stretch me a bit here on this trip.

I have been asking for the Lord to show me a very natural way to enter into a conversation where depending on God might come up fairly easily.  I have received the answer to my question. When I have an opportunity to speak one on one with someone from Ireland I think I will bring up the economic crisis that has been splashed all over the news in recent months. This is a challenge for both youth and adults in any culture and it is something that both my personal background and business background give me a lot of perspective on. My faith has been what has given me peace and hope in the midst of what doesn't make much sense in terms of monetary provision.

I am super excited about the youth on this trip and spending time with them. I know some well. I know some from afar. I know some through Matt. I know almost nothing about a couple of them. I know that when I return from these two weeks that I will know all of them in really significant ways. That makes my heart very happy.

We also have a very good team of adult leaders. They all care about the spiritual development of their own lives and more importantly of these students. They all know how important an adventure like this is in developing faith. Some care a lot about safety, for all the nervous parents that is a good thing to know. It will be fun to discover on the trip who had what role for what reason on what day.

If I have access to a computer, I will blog while I am gone. If not, I'll share the blessings of the Land of the Irish when I return.

If you are reading this and you have contributed financially to this trip, please let me say again, Thank You! As the Ireland Team comes to mind please pray for us and the people we are meeting as we go.


This photo of Belfast is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Graduation here we come!

I am actually feeling very excited and grateful about celebrating this week with Matt. It wont surprise me if these emotions turn on a dime later in the week. But there is plenty of time for feeling sad later. I just want to enjoy the fun of remembering the last eighteen years and dreaming about what is next! We celebrate with friends and family at our church on Friday evening. The ceremony is on Saturday afternoon. Dinner with a few of Matt's closest friends on Sunday evening. That's pretty cool line up of events! Especially when I remember that I was clueless months ago about what would be meaningful ways to celebrate.

I keep remembering that I am extremely blessed. Many Moms at this point in their lives do not have a clue what they will be doing next. That is not my story. I've had the great joy and privilege of  investing in the next phase of my life for quite a while now. I'm truly excited about all that is before me. God has done so much, shown me so much and introduced me to so many great people. Life could not be more rich. I really mean that.

One of those things will actually be walking alongside other men and women who are in the discovery process of "what's next" for them.

Another one of those things will be a training program called Selah. I found out in the last few days that I have been accepted. It is in Boston. It is a training program for Spiritual Directors. I will travel there five times over the next two years. There are two other women from the DFW area that will be taking this journey with me. That makes it even better!

Yep... lots of joy going on in this heart tonight. Thank you Lord for that!

One Thousand Gift list for today

In honor of the book One Thousand Gifts here is my  list for this day...

My husband's flight plans to the middle east got cancelled yesterday and so I got to have him home an extra day before he sets off to some far flung place.
My son tells me real things. He risks not pretending with me.
The wildflowers in our neighborhood are simply delightful... so many designs and colors.
People on the walking path said hello.
Prom is tonight and Matt did a great job ordering a corsage! So pretty.
Thankful for all the people who make all those corsages. WoW!
My reflections on the LTML group that finished yesterday. I spent time with two very lovely sisters in Christ.
Blackberries that taste really good.
A podcast where I could have said AMEN very loudly a dozen times. And also had me mulling over a few questions.
Time on the deck with a book recently received from a dear friend.
Plans to see a movie I've wanted to see for weeks now.
I have a envelope with checks to turn in tomorrow. The money for the Ireland trip in July has been raised.
The friends I miss. I wish I could transport them all here to my dining room table right now to tell them I miss them and asking them how they are doing in person.
The gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ and the presence of God in and around my life.

What are you thankful for this day?

When I am 75...

When I am 75, how will people be responding to my words?

This thought occurred to me more than once during this weekend. Jill Briscoe came to speak to the women of our church and our guests on Friday and Saturday. I have heard Jill speak many times before. And as much as I try not to have high expectations about anything anymore... those things usually get me into trouble.  I did have high expectations for this weekend and they were more than exceeded.

What I notice about Jill this weekend.The older she gets the more revelatory she gets. She tells stories that Stuart her husband still tells her she might not want to tell. She makes mistakes. The Lord shows her she has made a mistake. She listens. She discovers in her heart why she did what part of her did not want to do. She trusts the Lord for another go at it with Him absent of fear.

She notices so much. She notices the world and then lessons found there. She notices the connections between the world she observes and the God she adores and trusts.

She admits that sometimes she must learn to listen to her own teaching. To follow the advice that she is giving to others. And she knows the humility that is required to admit this is sometimes so very hard to do.

She admits that she has been ruled by fear and worry. She has been on a life long quest to choose faith, to choose to sit with God about the places where she does not trust. She has learned how to cope and take action against what could and has defeated her.

She has learned to see with the Eyes of Heaven. When she sees this way it often inspires poetry. It kind of bursts out of her.

She began as a street preacher. What a joy to hear the sound in her voice when she remembers those days. As God would have it, there have been other venues for her preaching but she loves most speaking to those who know they need God and need no persuasion for that part of her wisdom. To this day she finds herself in those kinds of places very often. And yet, thank the Lord she has been brought in places like ours where some are not so aware of their deep need for God in absolutely every way. Her stories which demonstrates her own deep need for a surrendered life help others others to see their need. God has placed her in dangerous and outrageous situations, what God does there opens our eyes to the missed opportunities and the ridiculousness of being so careful where we live.

Once again, I am irritated by my cultures passion for safety and its effects on me. I play it to safe and try to call it wisdom. This will not change in me apart for the work of grace in my life. I know this for sure. It is not simply a matter of making a decision and knowing instant change.

Somehow all of this is connected to the trip to Ireland that is coming up for me. That both scares and thrills me. Will I surrender? Will I trust God in radical ways for me in that environment? Will I even be able to see the opportunities to trust and step out in faith? Will I follow God where I sense He is leading me? I will pray that I will do with His help. I will ask others to pray for me.

I also received significant encouragement about how I handle the after moments when I teach. There should be a whole semester in seminary spent on that. I probably need to talk with my Spiritual Director about it this next month. I left the second workshop with significant negative emotions. I asked God for help. The fast answer was in Jill's talk that followed immediately. "God did not ask us to be good and successful.", Jill said. 'He asked us to be good and faithful." That helped me see what was causing all the negative emotions. Then at the end of the night God allowed a conversation and prayer time with one of the participants that completed the answer to my prayers. I have so much to learn! I am grateful God shows me that He is very interested in teaching me.

If God gives me 75 years, how will people be responding to my words?

I hope they will say. She trusts God. She loves God. She has committed her life to faithfulness and surrender. It blows me away what God does with that. I think I'll ask God to help me do the same in every relationship and circumstance God gives me.