My life right now ebbs and flows dramatically. I finished my fall quarter on December 9th. Prior to December 9th I was knee deep in responsibilities to family, to my church to school. Then church and school took a break for a few weeks. After working through the restlessness that such a dramatice change of pace creates in me comes an appreciation for time.
It is very likely my family will be returning to a community we left four years ago this coming summer. I have spent a month working through the emotions of all that. There are many more postives than negatives but the thing about me and negatives is that they have to be worked out. There is something about me that doesn't want to move on with life if I'm aware that there is an issue that is begging me to come and sort it out. I need to be at a place of acceptance or understanding about whatever the question or concern may be. The great thing about having time on your hands is that it more easily affords you the opportunity to think and listen.
So while God keeps shaking me up and unsettling my world. He also keeps begging me to trust him. During the service today our Pastor referred to the famous passage in Proverbs that calls us to, "Trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on out own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." And then I noticed the next sentence, "Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil." While it may seem strange, it is this last sentence which confirmed the thoughts that I've been entering into the last month or so.
I believe God is asking me to submit myself to Him above all "my ideas". I think He is asking me to wait on Him for guidance. I think because of how well I know myself this kind of obedience will be radical. It will require courage because people in my life will want me to have a plan. Because that's what "we" do, "we" have plans. For instance, often an effective Christian life is described as being a moving ship. The example goes that God can steer a moving ship more easily then a docked ship. See the problem with that ananolgy for me is that I am inclined to not just be the ship but the captain of the ship. I'm weary of charting the path and asking God to oversee the weather in hopes that he'll prove his love for me by providing only smooth waters. I'm not only tired of it, but it has become a completly senseless desire.
I've spent the last month or so wondering if God would rather I see myself as a docked ship. A ship with a captain who has no idea, nor respects her own ideas about where she should be going or what she should be doing. Instead trusts in the Owner of the ship to send tugboats and a map when He is ready to reveal her next destination or journey.
I have discovered that God has created me to be a leader, a servant. But He is having to break me of my inclination to lead/serve with out following Him. Unfortuately for me, is seems to be taking alot of effort on God's part to prove to me I should not see myself as "wise in my own eyes".
On a lighter note with these observations in place and my view of a very lovely harbor with a docked sailing ship in place, I feel strangely equipped, with a huge dose of God's grace, to experience the next six months of my life.
Happy New Year and new begginnings to you!
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