Thursday, October 05, 2006


I'm sure this post will be a rambling journey because that is exactly what is happening in my heart.

My heart was broken recently. Everyone around me is pointing me to Jesus. That was extremely helpful in the beginning. Because I did pull my hand from Jesus hand. I did turn my back towards Him. I did get angry with Him. I had hours of time when I wondered if all of us who have faith in Jesus Christ have been duped. I have never before spent hours in that place. I have only spent brief seconds there in the past. The combination of evidence in my life and the accumulation of evidence from the lives of other believers has in the past always brought me away from that place quickly. That wasn't enough this time. The fear in those hours was almost overwhelming. I was grasping for something anything. I don't know what. I was confused. I was sad. I was scared. If I didn't come out of this my identity would be changed and therefore every relationship I have would be changed. I couldn't bear thinking beyond that point. I slept a few hours. I got up. I can't go to church. I can't pray. I can't read the bible. I'm lost. Hours past. I came to the conclusion there would be nothing in my life left if God did not exist.

So I sat down in my office. I picked up my Bible and I said okay God if you exist your going to have to show up. I randomly opened up my bible. I started reading at II Kings 6. Elisha has been getting messages from the Lord that allowed the Israel troops to be on guard and avoid conflict with their enemies. The enemies were getting fed up and decided to go after Elisha. Overnight the encampment where Elisha lived was surrounded by the enemy. When the servant woke up he was understandably afraid. Elisha asked the Lord to allow his servant to see who it was that was on their side. The Lord showed them the hills were full of horses and chariots of fire..... And then the wall I was building crumbled. In a second I was aware that God had brought me to a passage of scripture that was dealing with the very epicenter of my fear.

The situation that broke my heart last week it seems was the straw that broke the camels back. In the last three years and particuarily in the last six months my husband and I have been surrounded by life and death stories of those who have chosen to follow after their flesh and have not submitted themselves to God. These aren't people that are out there somewhere that we hear about. These are people we love and have personal relationships with. The victories are small and the tragedies are great. We are watching people literally killing themselves physically and emotionally. I was just like the servant of Elisha standing there with nothing left to do. From my vantage point the only thing left was defeat. The enemy had outsmarted us. When God spoke to me through His word and spoke directly to my worst fear the floodgates of faith opened up. God does not let us demand what we do not need. But when we need something He gives it to us generously. I had no right to demand a message from the Lord. But because He knew I needed it He did it in such a way to minister to my deepest need at the time. What an amazing blessing and perfect gift from the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

One of the gifts I have received from my broken heart is this phrase: I put no confidence in the flesh. Without putting it into those words before I realize now that I have been in an intense battle. I know in my head that God teaches us not to put in confidence in our flesh. But my heart has been reluctant to believe this or understand this. My heart gets it now. I hope my heart doesn't forget it.

My questions:

What is it going to take for us to hate sin?

When are we going to realize that dying to self and living for God is the one and only way to experience life?

When are we going to realize that pride isn't just annoying it destroys us and it hurts the people around us?

How do we submit ourselves wholly unto God and not appear to be a freakshow in this age?

How has God endured the sorrow of broken lives for thousands upon thousands of years?

I will not survive the sorrow without God. I want to have a heart that walks with joy regardless of the realities of this world. I want to be able to trust Him always.

So to everyone that pointed me to Jesus. Thank you. To my God, thank you for the promise that you will never let us go. Thank you for not letting me go.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above, ye heavenly host. Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost. Amen

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